A Tiny Hole in My Heart

Here starts the beginning of the post I can barely bring myself to write, but not doing so would be to deny the existence of one of the most significant lives I have every been touched by.

When Sam and I had been considering a "Plan B" to be matched perhaps a little faster I had called this lawyer.  From the beginning they had been referred to me by two people.  When I called I told them I was hoping to adopt an African American little boy.  I told her that I had been told by another agency that no African American mother would ever choose a white family with three kids.  She was kind, upbeat, and reassuring- telling me that people are individuals and make decisions for lots of different reasons.  She emailed me some information but I never called back or emailed back.

A month ago my sister and I attended a fundraising dinner and were seated next to another lawyer from the same local law firm.  We hit it off and I mentioned that I had talked to someone in the office about adopting.  Evidently she went back and mentioned our meeting to the adoption lawyer.

This must have made me fresh in her mind because a little over two weeks ago I received an email and call from the adoption lawyer saying there was a bi-racial baby boy that was going to born in July that needed a family.  She asked if we were interested and wanted our profile shown.  We said yes and signed a few papers.

For the next two and a half days I prayed and fasted-praying that the mom would choose us if this was Isaiah, that she would say "No" if it wasn't, or that another situation would come up before she could say "Yes."  We had waited 6 months with nothing, so the idea of another situation coming up seemed improbable.  The whole time I was praying I had a very uneasy feeling about the match.  We of course were going to move ahead with it but there was a fear and overall reservation I felt.

A few hours after ending my fast I got another call from the lawyer.  I was sure she was going to have an answer for us- it was only supposed to take a day or two.  Instead she told me that a baby had been born a few days earlier at 25 weeks and 6 days gestation.  She texted me a picture, a video, and the medical records.  He was African American and weighed 1lb 15oz.  I was instantly in love.  I called Sam who was in shock.  Was this the "other situation" I had prayed for?  When I prayed that what I think I meant was "A perfectly healthy full term baby with no risk involved."

Sam was working overnight shifts for the next two days so we couldn't even talk about it.  During the next days I called my friend who is a NICU nurse, my pediatrician, and two friends whose children were born very prematurely.  When I talked to the medical professionals I heard nothing but fear and warning.  They told me the statistics were bad and besides the chance of death the disabilities could be devastating.  All my friends had hopeful stories. 

The baby was thousands of miles away so I decided to call the neonatologist and see if he could give me some information about this specific child.  I  didn't want statistics... I wanted to know how he, as an individual, was doing.  The doctor was kind and answered all my questions but he mainly told me statistics.  He referred to the baby as being a "24 weeker" and said that he had a 80%-90% chance of dying or being mildly to severely disabled.  As an individual though he said the baby was exceeding their expectations- breathing without a ventalator, tolerating some feedings...

Sam and I talked and prayed and decided to wait.  We figured that as long as we didn't close the doors then if this was our child, then God wouldn't close the doors either.  A few days passed and I could think of nothing but Baby C_ _ _, as we called him.  I decided to call the doctor again and see how he was doing. This time I talked to the Nurse Practitioner that was actually giving most of the care to Baby C.  She told me his brain scans had come back totally fine.  This was a HUGE relief.  Brain bleeds, which happen often in preemies, are one of the main causes of brain damage.  I asked her at what point he would "need a mom" to hold him and bond with him.  She said "right away!"  I couldn't believe it.  I thought he was too frail and weak.  She said he was totally stable and he really needed to be adopted as soon as possible.

I called Sam and told him this and he said he wanted to make a decision about adopting him in the next 24-72 hours so I could fly out there to be with him a soon as possible if that is what we decided to do.  We had no idea if we could even pull it all off- me moving to Arizona with my three kids, without him for months.  Sam had another few night shifts in a row so I used those days to do some research.  I called 5 different people about our insurance coverage before I got an answer- it was a pretty decent answer.  I found out I have more friends in Arizona than I knew and was able to find places to stay during our  2-3 month stay.  Pretty much all of our obstacles about getting there and being there were worked out in a few hours.

 The decision was in Sam's hands.  We had our pastor, our family, and the friends that had been with us when we got the calls praying for us.  The crazy thing is is that despite the horrible statistics and the scary research we felt stronger and less afraid as time went on.  When we started the journey we had said no to any special needs children- we didn't feel we could add that to our already busy family.  Words like blindness, deafness, ADHD, and Cerebal Palsy now seemed somehow manageable.  This baby wasn't theoretical- he was here and he needed a family.  More than that we were in love with him- he already felt like our child.

Sam and I talked.  He wanted us to write down and discuss all the "costs."  I figured out the financials and we talked about being apart, the stress, the emostional toll.  In the end he said "let's do this."  I called our lawyer and told her we were in and to move things ahead.

I found a flight, packed our bags, and waited in agony.  My heart hurt.  It felt like there was a tiny piece missing.  My heart hurt so bad (literally) that I had a dream doctors had discovered a bleeding hole in my heart.  By Monday afternoon I couldn't take it anymore.  I called my lawyer and asked if she could check how Baby C did over the weekend and if she had heard anything.  I told her I had a flight picked out and I was ready as soon as they could move the process along and give me a "go".

She called back an hour later and told me Baby C had an infection in his gut and would need surgery and a blood transfusion.  The news took my breath away.  I knew this was bad but also knew that there was still a big chance he'd be fine.  I got depressed.  I was helpless. I had no way of finding out details or checking in.  In my heart he was mine but legally I was nobody to him. I put the kids in bed early that night and cried and laid in bed.  It was too early to sleep but tv sounded ridiculous.  I didn't want to talk to anyone so I turned on my Bible App on my phone and played the audio recording of the book of John.  I listened to it until I fell asleep.  It gave me peace and reminded me that I serve a God that walked on this earth and suffered too.

Sam got home later and we had late night interview with an adoption grant comittee to hopefully receive financial help towards the adoption.  The interview had been set for this time a month ago.  It must have been a divine appointment.  On the other end of the phone was a godly couple who asked us how we were.  We shared our story with them and cried. The were compassionate and wise.  They spent the rest of the time praying for us.  The wife quoted Isaiah 43.  As she prayed.  Sam looked at me- "Isaiah!"  We felt uplifted and at peace.  We were sure this was our child and our story would be one of hope and beating all odds.

The next morning my lawyer called- "Ash, he didn't make it."  I was in shock.  My baby- the child that I felt so sure of and loved so much- was dead?  As I type this my heart starts hurting again.  She assured me that he didn't die alone.  The other lawyer- that was appointed to his birth mom, held him as he passed away.

He died without a name.  He died without a momma.  I wanted to be his mom.  I was ready.  I was ready to hold him and love him.  Why did things have to take so long to move along?  Why couldn't I have been the one there?

It's like he never existed.  No name, no birth certificate, no funeral... But he did exist.  And he changed me.  His life did matter.  I know it's not my right but I'd like to name him Thaddeus.  In Aramaic it means "heart."  When I first starting having the vision of the little boy that lead me to adoption I for some reason kept having the name "Thaddeus" come into my head over and over.  So much that I wrote it in my journal along with the meaning.  Because there will always be a tiny piece of my heart missing I want to name him Thaddeus.

Thaddeus, in your 12 days of life, this is how you changed me:

- You showed me a glimpse of the agony that mother's of sick and dying children go through.  Chest pains, waking up at 4am praying, crying.  You gave me the gift of compassion.

- You made me think about hard things.  You showed me I could choose love even if it meant my life ended up harder than I had wanted originally.

- You taught me that people with disabilities weren't "handicap people," they were somebody's baby boy.

- You taught me about a lot of disorders and disabilities: autism, ADD, bipolar, cerebal palsy... You showed me that maybe I could be a good mom to a child like this.

- You reminded me that adoption and parenthood is not about the child being perfect for the parent- it's about the parent uncoditionally loving the child.

- You taught me that life is fragile and precious.

- You taught me to stop worrying about money.

- You showed me that if I don't work as much as usual the world keeps spinning.

- You brought Sam and I closer together.

-You taught my children to pray.

- You gave us the opportunity to say "Yes" to something really hard.

- You showed me the power of prayer.

- You brought me closer to God.

- You made me appreciate my life.

- You reminded me to hold each of my children, everyday, quietly for no reason.

I love you baby boy.  You will always be part of our family.  I hope we know each other in heaven one day.  I hope God has told you that we loved you and wanted you and that your life had profound purpose. 

Serving a kind God

Today I was reminded of what a kind and compassionate God I serve.  Last night I had a dream that Isaiah was brought to me.  It was a really weird and confusing dream but what I remember is that there were several situations in which unexpectedly a little baby was brought to me or I found him.  It was one of those dreams where your mind keeps coming up with different scenarios searching for a different outcome.  All I remember is that with each scenario there was a newborn baby given to me.

This morning before the kids were up I took some time (still half asleep when I started) to read my Bible and pray. I prayed as always for Isaiah and for his mother.  As I prayed I told God how discouraged I was by the whole adoption process.  I felt like nothing was happening and like I was in this alone.  I asked God to show me if I had missed a step or made any wrong decisions.  I told Him I needed some encouragement and confirmation that it was indeed Him that called me to this journey.  As I talked to God I said, "If you would just somehow show me today that you are still in this and that it is indeed you that called me to this.  Even if it is that you let something that I'm trying to sell sell... like that DV video walkman I'm trying to sell..."  This piece of equipment is the most expensive thing I have tried to sell in order to raise money for the adoption.

I prayed for a few minutes more and then after I was done and before I got the kids up I grabbed my iphone and checked my email (am I the only one with this compulsive habit?).  I could not believe it when there, at the top of my inbox was a notice from 5 minutes earlier saying I had sold the DV video walkman I had specifically mentioned in my prayer.  At the same time that I was praying the equipment had sold! And now that I think of it was bought at 8:50 am from someone in California which means that they had actually bought it at 5:50am (not that that's important but it seems like the purchase was either the first thing the person did when they woke up or seeing as they are probably an video editor maybe the last thing before they went to bed.)

Be encouraged, there is a God that loves us and hears us when we pray- even when we whine.

Referral Service

After much praying and Google searching we have come up with a plan B.  It is common for adoptive families to switch agencies or go with several agencies to increase their chances of being matched more quickly.  However Sam and I have wanted to be very careful with our resources.  I called one agency to inquire and they wanted $16,000 just to sign on with them- Pass! 

What I came upon after a million hours of research is that there are a few non-agencies called referral services that are basically a husband and wife or adoptive mom that has formed close relationships with adoption agencies and attorneys and when the agencies can't find a match from within their client list they tell these referral services about the situations that still need adoptive families.  They then pass on these situations to people like me.

Basically instead of being exposed to situations that one agency is aware of we theoretically should be dealing with situations from 10-30 agencies and lawyers.  In case you are wondering we have not heard from our agency since December.  I don't think they are being negligent, I just don't think there has been any situations they think would be right for us or they have shown birth-mothers our profile and they said no way. 

Besides having access to a wider amount of resources and areas the best thing about these referral services is that the upfront commitment to start being exposed to any situations is so small.  Basically how it works is this:

- You fill out a basic application, send your completed home study write up, and send your "Dear Birth-mother" profile.
- Referral Service charges $100 to put you in their database and start trying to match you.
- As the referral service is presented with situations that fit what you have said you are open to (Gender, race, handicaps, age...) they send you an email with the details of the situation.  The email might say something like: "Caucasian baby girl due 5/19/13.  No known use of drugs.  Mother reports mild use of alcohol early in pregnancy.  Mother requests photos, letters, and once a year visits after placement.  Expected budget $30,000."
- If they send us a situation that we are interested in we can then reply and say that we would like our profile shown to the mother.
- The referral service would then overnight our profile to the mother.
-If she said yes to us then we would have to enter into an agreement with the lawyer or agency that was representing her.
- At this time we would also pay the referral service an additional $1,400 for successfully matching us.
- If the placement fell through because the mother changed her mind the referral service would continue to try to match us without charging any additional fees.  However, depending on the agency we could loose any money we had to pay them or be bound to use them for the next match attempt.

It will be interesting to see how this works and how long it takes for us to even be presented with any situations.  It will also be very very interesting to see which of these avenues end up leading us to Isaiah.  We are going to sign up with the three services that I have ready incredibly positive things about.  The great thing is that if they don't match us we don't pay so it really doesn't hurt to sign up with a few.  I would honestly love for our main agency to be the one that matches us because I really like them and we wouldn't have to travel out of state but... we will see.

All Churned Up Inside

Lately I've been feeling all churned up inside about the adoption.  I was feeling at total peace with everything and then.... eeehhhh not so much.  I don't have a bad feeling about it- not one bit.  I LOVE our agency but I'm starting to wonder if it was supposed to be more of a place holder to keep us getting matched before we should.

When I signed on with our agency I did so knowing that they only completed 20 adoptions a year AND that the vast majority were Caucasian adoptions due the agencies location AND that as another agency so kindly put it- not an attractive family for an African American expectant mom to choose.  I chose to go with them anyway because it felt right and to not do so felt very wrong.

So now I have this new feeling that something is going to happen or needs to happen or change.  I can't put my finger on it.  Maybe it's because of the craziness of last week.  Maybe I'm just impatient.  Regardless I've logged quite a few hours on the 'ole intranet researching different agencies and avenues.  Sam feels it would be ok for us to have a plan B we could pursue starting next week but he doesn't want to have a Plan C or D.

With domestic adoption it is not uncommon to cast your net wider by signing with several agencies or avenues.  I did not know this until recently.  To just sign up with another agency would be pretty expensive and risky so unless we find the perfect situation or feel led we probably won't just pick another agency.  I did through the research find two interesting options:

1. Referral Services- I found three different referral services with good reputations.  How these work is that families that have already gotten their homestudy can sign up with a referral service for a very small fee ($100).  The referral services have contacts with attorneys and agencies and so when the agencies and attorneys can't find a home for one the soon to be born babies among their pool of waiting families they then tell the referral service who shares he situations with people that have signed up.  I had no idea this existed and think it sounds very promising as there is such a low up front commitment.  If you're not matched you only lose $100, whereas some agencies ask for as much as $16,000 just to sign on with them!  No way....

2. An adoption lawyer.  The adoption lawyer that I have spoken to is so nice and highly regarded by those who use her but the down side is that you have to pay their hourly fee and so if the adoption ends up falling through you are out all the money you paid them and have to start from zero.  The people I know that used this lawyer swear by the process but it still scares me a bit.

So.... I've written three referral services explaining our situation and asking if they think we would be a  good match and I've also emailed about 5 other agencies that are known for African American adoptions to introduce ourselves and kind of say "Hey, if you can't match one of your situations using the pool of waiting families you have please remember us:)" 

Who knows how this will all turn out.  The deeper I get into this the more confused I get.  Please pray for clarity and direction for Sam and I and that God's will be done. 

BOOM

Oh MY!!!! What a week!  For those of you who don't know last week we noticed that over three thousand dollars was missing from our bank account.  I had just paid the bills- minus the mortgage and everything was waiting to come out and then BOOM our account drops to $200.  Two huge purchases were made online.  The next day we notice that all of our emails from one of our email accounts were being forwarded to someone else and in the trash their receipts for three purchases totally over five thousand dollars.

Things continued to get worse as all of our email accounts were somehow hacked into.  I am now getting fake emails from all of my good friends and they even set up a fake email address using Sam's dad's name.... They changed the address in our Amazon account, the fraud alert number in our PayPal account, got into our laptop and phone via our icloud account.... Between a wedding day, Sam's  schedule, and church we couldn't keep up. 

I do have to say that I am proud of ourselves.  Our twenty something butts would have been playing the "Why me?"  "This is so unfair." card 'till the cows went home.  At a much more weathered 30-something I viewed the situation differently- this is life- this is how it goes... if it's not a stolen identity it's a moldy broken freezer (next on my list to deal with), a van door that falls off on to you when you open it (still need to fix that too), or some other obnoxious or devastating trial.  Life is not fair, it's hard!  I was proud that we held it together but SUPER ticked off that our time was stolen from us.

Did I mention this all happened on the day our studio manager of three years had her last day of work with us?  Ok, maybe I want a little sympathy for that bad timing- she was like my second brain, arms, hands.....

I must admit that this type of thing can make a trusting open person turn super duper paranoid quickly.  I have been afraid to post anything on this blog or FB since.  I know this might seem too "spiritual" for some but I feel like this whole ordeal was a spiritual attack.  Just when we had almost raised all the money we needed for the adoption and received the last matching grant- BAM our money gets stolen and everything flips upside down- not to mention it has made me question being so vulnerable in such a exposed arena.

We are now on the mend- there is still a lot to do/un-do but we are trying not to obsess and freak out.  Above all I am SO thankful that my identity can never truly be stolen.  My identity is found only in Jesus Christ.  I am a follower of Christ and a child of God.  That can never be stolen from me.

****I want to assure those who have given or plan on giving that none of the money donated was touched and that all donations are now being sent through Lifesong for Orphans anyway. 
P.S.  Change your passwords!!!!  Lock your wifi!!!!!!  Never work at Starbucks on a laptop!!!!!

Matching Grant- Lifesong for Orphans- Brockinton #3462 adoption

I have to say I'm starting to think our baby boy is coming to us soon.  I'm so blown away by what God is doing all at once.  I got a call an hour ago from Lifesong for Orphans saying they are offering us a $2,500 matching grant.  You are all probably wondering "What's with the matching donations?"

Believe me, I wish these are just outright donations or grants.  We are not allowed to give towards them ourselves.  This increases the incredibly uncomfortable feeling of talking about money.  From what I am told they structure the gifts this way because it allows the process of adoption and God providing to be more public and invites others into your journey.  It makes sense but the last thing I want to do is become that person that makes everyone feel uncomfortable so then gets blocked from Facebook (ooohh...I just gave some of you a good idea:).

So...so that you know it's legit and in case you just dug up a treasure chest of money or found $20 in your laundry or want to give here's what Lifesong sent about the grant.  And here's a donate button from them that goes straight to our designated fund that they hold onto and then pay the adoption agency.  Our family number is #3462

Putting myself out there

This blog has been such an incredible blessing.  It has also been difficult to be so exposed and vulnerable.  I often feel alone and misunderstood because I feel everyone else has it together and I'm just holding it all together with bandaids and stickers.  I want to write about our adoption journey for two main reasons:

1. I want others to feel less alone and less afraid.  Adoption is a scary word to most people and if you tip your toe into it you'll find it is a vast ocean that can quickly make you feel scared and unprepared.  I want you to be able to see where every dollar came from and we're all just people. For those who have begun to feel God's tug at their heart towards adoption and the call to care for the orphan I encourage you to pray about what God would have you do and then obey.  Obedience will bring you blessings beyond belief.  Do not act in fear and do not make excuses, just obey.  Remember- adoption isn't for childless parents or families with a lot of money or things figured out- it's for parentless children.

2. I want to keep a journal of what's happening logistically and spiritually throughout this journey so that looking back the giant puzzle will make sense as an obvious picture.

There are two things that I have not wanted and do not want as a result of writing this blog:

1. I would ask that you don't too harshly judge me.  I know I may say things that sound naive or opinionated or even uncompassionate.  I don't mean to speak ever in judgement or as someone who has it all figured out.  Please realize that I'm just a working mom trying to do her best.  It is very hard and even embarrassing for me to be so open about my feelings, opinions, and actions.  It's embarrassing for me to write about money too.  I wish we just had some huge savings account and we could just magically end up with a baby one day but I don't think that is fare to those who also see finances as an obstacle to adopting.  So, in other words- forgive me if I've ever said anything that struck a wrong chord with you and bare with me as I ramble through this maze.

2. I ask that you don't put me on a pedastool as someone doing some great thing.  I've done nothing except write a blog and fill out some paper work.  I haven't done anything difficult or heroic and I might not ever do so.  I DO appreciate support but please don't praise me- praise God.  If you really knew me you would realize what a mess I really am.  I do however REALLY appreciate the support that has come in the form of encouraging messages or asking about how things are going and listening. I love to hear other people's adoption stories and I really love it when people share with me that God has started to move their hearts towards adoption.

If the readers of this blog could do one thing for us it would be to pray for  us.  Please pray for:

- The safety of Isaiah while he is in his mother's womb.  That she wouldn't smoke, drink, do drugs, take pills.  That she would also seek good medical care and eat well.

- That God would give Isaiah's mother a vision of our family in the same way that he gave me a vision of him.

-That God would guide Sam and I as well as Isaiah's mother to the same agency or person and that no silly agency rules could stop us being matched.

- That God would either help Sam and I to be patient in staying with the agency we are currently with or show us what agency or avenue we should switch to.  Lately I've been wondering if our current agency was just a place holder to keep us from being matched to early or if we just need to be patient.

- That God would provide the remaining balance we need to receive the matching