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My husband, Sam and I decided to start trying to have a fourth child about a year ago. Our last three pregnancies had come about very quickly. After 3-4 months of trying this time I started to casually think about adoption. Not in a committed sense but none the less differently than I had before. I yearned for another child and after a few short months of trying to get pregnant I had already started to get discouraged by the negative pregnancy test and emotional up and downs. After a few more months of trying we finally got a positive test. I told my family and bought a few new stretchy shirts but held off on making a doctor's appointment. With my first pregnancy the doctor didn't see me until I was 11 weeks along so I thought I'd be fine waiting. I don't know why I waited, maybe I had a sense that I wouldn't need the appointment. After just a couple of weeks I miscarried.
It hurt, not physically, but it hurt my heart. I felt like I wasn't allowed to be too sad or to get depressed. It wasn't fair. I already had three children. What would someone that couldn't have any think or say about my situation? I had miscarried between 6-7 weeks. That's nothing compared to someone who loses a child later in pregnancy or in a tragic way. I was and am blessed and I tried to be thankful and move on, but it still hurts if I allow myself to think about it.
After that we tried a few more months to get pregnant (by this point it had been a total of 7 months) and then, in July, we decided to take a break. In July Sam started a new job and I had a ton on my plate with a business venture and a full fall calendar photographing weddings. We felt there was no way at this point that I could get pregnant and survive the extreme morning sickness I was bound to get (it had gotten worse with each pregnancy) while working as much as I needed to those next few months. We decided to wait about 6 months and then start trying again. This was in July.
In mid-September, one night when I was getting into bed I had an image pop into my mind of a little African American boy. He was wearing a maroon shirt with some white and navy stripes on the sleeves. The backdrop was a mottled blue, it looked like a school picture type thing. I remember because I see the same image in my head today. The first time this happened it surprised me. I thought, "Huh, that's strange..." I didn't know any little boys this age that looked like this, I hadn't just watched a tv show or movie with a character that looked like him... It was strange, not because he was African American and I was not- it would have been just as strange if I had the same vision of a random little girl with brown hair and blue eyes.
Over the next week I kept having this image pop into my head. So much that I started to pray about it. "God, who is this little boy and why do I keep thinking about him?" I had the ladies in my small group pray. I started to get the sense it had to do about adoption, maybe for someone I knew, maybe just for me to support adoption in general, or maybe it was about us. After a couple of weeks of constantly thinking about this vision I kept having and praying I became convinced that this child was our son. I felt and still feel that this child was conceived in my heart. It was a similar feeling as thinking you might be pregnant and then confirming that you are. God had started to soften my heart and then through this image of this little boy completely changed my heart to the point that I know have a yearning to find my son. I feel like he is missing from me in the same way as I would desperately miss one of my children if they were away from me.
Having said this, I do not feel desperate to take or "get" a child. I do not feel like I deserve another child or would be a better mother than whoever is carrying him in her belly. God has given me a peace and assurance that He will complete what he has started. I feel called to a specific child, like there is a missing piece of our family but I also want the child that God wants us to have and to not force or control anything. I want what is best for the birth mothers. If they are able and wanting to raise their child I want them to because I don't want them to ever experience painful regret or feel like they made a bad decision. I don't want these mothers to make a decision because of temporary financial circumstances or unfulfilled dreams, I don't want to take someone's child; I want to fulfill God's call to take care of orphans and respond to the personal journey he is calling us to.
I remember telling Sam about the visions of the little boy that I had been having and how strange it was. I told him how confused I was. I don't know if I even asked him to pray along with me about why I was having these visions (and by that I mean it was like a very clear picture that kept coming to my mind) because it seemed silly. After a couple of weeks or so of having this vision I started doing some research on adoption. I had a sense that maybe that's what it was about. I started asking my friends who had adopted about their story. I googled a ton. I read blog entries from adoptive mothers. By this point God had broken my heart completely and convinced me that this image I was seeing was to be our son through adoption.
I went to Sam, telling him how I felt- like a child had been conceived in my heart. That I loved this child already, the very same way I loved our other children. That my eyes filled with tears when I felt the desperation of not knowing who he was or how to find him. Sam was surprised to hear me say all of these things since I had always been closed off to adoption as an option for our family. He told me that he had always been open to it and although he was a little overwhelmed that he would consider it.
For the next week or so Sam and I prayed. We took a day to fast and pray as a way clear our mind and more importantly to show God that this was serious to us and that we wanted above all else, his will in this huge decision. Sam expressed his fears with me. They were the same as mine; mainly that the child would have mental or physical problems due to a mother's drug or alcohol addiction and that we didn't have the funds to complete an adoption. We decided in the end that fear was a very bad reason to say "No" to something God was calling us to do.
And so Sam said, "Yes, let's do this." Without persuasion or manipulation, he said "Yes." I married a good man, a man that seeks God and tries to live out the Gospel and a man that loves me and trusts me.
After Sam and I both agreed that we felt God was leading us to adopt and fears aside that this would be a good thing for our family I wasn't really sure what to do next.
I am a supreme researcher. If I'm interested in something I research it until I feel confident that I am making the best decision. Our first decision was what adoption avenue to take. Months earlier, before I had started having the picture of this little boy pop in my head I had researched types of adoption. International adoption seemed to make sense. It seemed less complicated in the sense that you see pictures of these dirty, poverty striken, skinny kids in orphanages and it gives you a sense that you must really be doing something "good." It also seemed that the birth mothers of these children were more ghost like and it would be less complicated knowing you would never worry if they would change their mind or come to America to find their child.
For one reason or another though, once I felt called I felt confident that our son to be would be born in America. We also decided to pursue newborn adoption for the reasons of not messing with the birth order already established in our family (our children our 6 1/2, 5, and 2). My pursuit to find an agency or lawyer began. I had NO idea where to start. I had no idea how to adopt a child, how much it cost, or what the differences in public, private, or agency adoptions were. I found some photo listings on sites of children waiting to be adopted. I found Christian and non-Christian adoption agencies. Some were huge and had offices around the country and some only saw through 10-20 adoptions a year and were local.
I asked people that had adopted to tell me their agency. I talked to one friend who had used an adoption lawyer and who seemed to have had a dream situation and process. I looked at directories and lists. I would find an agency that looked good but then read a sketchy review about them. I had two very strong suggestions from women that had just adopted but for some reason I just felt in limbo about the decision. I wanted to find the little boy so present in my heart and I didn't want to just say eenie-meenie- miney-mo and choose.
I called my mom and told her first that we were going to adopt and about everything that had brought us to that place. She was so encouraging. I have the most wonderful mother you could ever imagine. She sounded excited. She sounded though she already loved this little baby as much as I did. What did I do to deserve a mother like this? She listened to me and dreamed with me. Then, she interupted me several times and told me, "Ashley, I really think you need to talk to Susan S___." Susan is a wonderful women that goes to the church we attend and that I grew up with. Growing up I had known she was a lawyer but not an adoption lawyer. "Ok, great" I said, and then I continued to talk about not knowing where to start or what to do. She told me again, "Just call Susan." By this point I thought I should probably talk to Susan.
Later that night I facebook messaged Susan. Here's how our next few dialogues went (I've removed some names since this was a private conversation and want to consider others privacy):11:14pm
- "Hi Susan, I wanted to talk to at church today but I got there late must have missed you. My mom said you used to be an adoption lawyer. Is she correct? God has put it on our heart to adopt and I'm trying to figure out the whole process and where to start and any wisdom you could offer to me would be amazing. Thanks so much, Ashley"
"Ashley indeed I did for years limit my practice to adoption. In terms of where to start I have a somewhat surprising place to send you and that is to a woman I've known for years through homeschooling - her husband works for ___ and his job recently moved them to Arizona. In any event they had 4 children and within the past couple years adopted #5. They have a huge heart for orphans and they are involved in some sort of ministry that helps Christian families connect with babies. God laid her on my heart to connect you two. The next person I would recommend WHOLEHEARTEDLY is a Christian attorney out of (city). There are a lot of people in the adoption world that see it as a business. She loves the Lord and people and she does things right for the right reasons. She loves birth moms and treats them with respect. She is lead by the Holy Spirit - very mature Christian. She's extremely knowledgeable and experienced - was my mentor when I joined the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys (remember that organization - it means a person knows what they are doing - you want someone who is a member to represent you) and the only attorney I know and trust to send someone to for adoption. The Christian Mom is S___ and the Attorney is ___ (for the sake of sparing confusion I'll refer to this attorney as "Carol") - I will try to follllow up with contact
info. Carol is in the phone directory for her city - let her know I referred you to her. God bless you!" -Susan
8:13am of the same day:"That would be so wonderful. You are wonderful for getting back me so quickly and caring so much. I feel very much like the Holy Spirit has showed me somethings about the child I'm supposed to adopt and it feels like this baby was conceived in my heart the same time it was actually conceived. I believe I'm supposed to adopt an African American baby boy and have this yearning in my heart like one of my kids is missing from me. I feel like I will sound crazy to most so definitely would find reassurance in talking to a Christian whose sensitive to God's spirit. Thank you again for your help." -Ashley
At this point I waited to see if Susan would get back to me with Carol's contact info. Then I went back and read the facebook message again and realized that I could just look Carol up. Since I was already on Facebook I typed Carol's name in the search bar. Her page was private but on her "info" panel was a few sentences promoting a certain adoption agency (one that I later found out was the agency that she had started twenty years ago). I noted the agencies name and did a Google search that took me to their homepage. In all my searches for agencies I had never come accross this one. At the top of the page in large letters was a quote:
As I read this I got chills. It was like I had written the quote. The words I had written to Susan and the words I had used to convey my feelings to Sam and my family were being echoed back in this quote. I felt and still feel like this child was conceived or born in my heart. For the first time in all my searching of adoption sites and interviewing of adoptive parents something felt right....
I contacted Carol's law office the next day. Susan had "WHOLEHEARTEDLY" recommended her and I felt like I should start with talking with her. I wanted to hear more about this agency was on her Facebook page and that had touched me with the anonymous quote. When I called an answering service answered. I told them I wanted to speak to Carol. The lady said she was busy and short staffed because of a death in two of her staff member's family and that she couldn't talk to me right them. I told her I understood and just wanted to schedule a time to talk with her. The answering lady took down my contact info.
A week passed and nothing.... I decided to email Carol... Another couple of weeks and still no returned call or email. I began to grow discouraged. I wanted to move forward or at least just talk to Carol. I felt I had been given and invaluable resource and that I should use it. I started to feel rejected and started doubting. I didn't understand why the secretary couldn't just email or call me back telling me she was still busy but at least putting a quick phone call on the calendar.
I went to our children's homeschool co-op school one morning feeling especially confused and just wanting a clear answer. Each Tuesday that our group meets one family from the community gives a family presentation. On this particular morning the presenting family walked to the front of the room with their three boys....and, a newborn baby girl. They had just adopted. As they told their adoption story they mentioned the agency they used. It was the same agency with the quote. I got the chills again. This was a small agency- they only assist in 20 adoptions a year and it is in a random city that isn't where me or the family presenting live.
I went home and called Carol's office one more time. This time I was told she was out of town and would be gone for a week and would then need another week to call me back... At that point I asked what exactly Carol did- did she help match birth mother's with adoptive mothers? What did she have to do with the agency that was on her Facebook page, with the quote, that the family from our school group had adopted from? The assistant told me that she provided the legal work but didn't not help with matches. She told me that the agency was one that Carol had started 20 years ago and that it was "her baby."
I got off the phone and with much nervousness called the adoption agency. They were so kind. They asked questions and answered mine. They told me they only take on 20 birth mother's a year and 20 families wanting to adopt as to not have a large waiting list. She told me that they presently had room for adopting families. I asked her about the demographics that they mostly worked with. She told me the birth mother's and babies were mostly Caucasian but occasionally they had a child of another race born. I also learned that although it was not a Christian agency that all of the employees and counselors at the agency were Christ followers. They believed that children were not commodaties adn that it was very important to provide extensive counseling to the birth mothers both before and for years after the birth of their child. We ended the conversation with her collecting my email and sending me an application.
It all sounded perfect except one thing: We wanted to adopt an African American child and they told me that they had mostly Caucasian babies born. It didn't make sense for us to use this agency. It would make more sense if we went with a huge agency in a largely African American city were our chances of finding this one specific child were much greater. However, I had prayed for guidance and clarity with Sam and it certainly seemed that God was leading us to this agency. If I really believed that God was God then shouldn't I believe that He can complete the work he has started? Shouldn't I trust Him instead of me trying to control the situation and follow the statistics?
Once again we decided to put our fear aside and move forward. I opened the email from the agency and found to pdfs of paperwork for us to fill out: One that was 47 pages and one that was 16 pages.
We'v now completed our home study and have been approved and...are waiting and praying.
What a wonderful story! Thank you for sharing how God is working in your life.
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