Grants and Loans

Now that we have been approved to adopt and have a copy of our home study I have begun the process of applying for interest free loans and grants.  Of the $26,600 the adoption is going to cost us (this is a minimum-if everything goes perfectly) we have about $4,000 saved.  You can do the math....

It's so crazy to me that an adoption can cost so much.  The average cost for a U.S. newborn adoption is $20,000- $30,000 .  Where does all this money go?  Here's a breakdown from our own agency:

So, obviously the huge chunk is going to the agency.  Here's a basic breakdown of where that money is going to (lawyers, staff, counseling for birth mothers, case workers, the agency handles correspondence and records between you and birth mom forever...) 

I have no earthly idea where the remaining $22,000+ is going to come from, but I kind of see it as God's problem.  We are willing to work our hiney off for it...we already do but it's going to take a miracle. It's tough because we work so hard and live pretty simply.  Our savings has all gone to putting Sam through nursing school (he's currently working on his second nursing degree).  I've been working on an iphone app with my partner Hope for over a year now and it should launch in the next month so maybe that will do amazingly... but considering I'm going to only ten cents per download I'm not sure I can count on 220,000 downloads in the next year.

Adoption should not be for the rich only.  Anyone with a desire to adopt a child should not be stopped by financial reasons.  For a starter it costs practically nothing to adopt from the Foster care system.  The reason we have chosen not to do this is only because I felt specifically led to our agency and although you can foster newborns and they might later become available for adoption you can't immediately adopt a young baby.  I feel like it is best for my family to not disrupt the birth order of our children and since our youngest is 2 years old I think a newborn would be the healthiest addition for us right now (I'm definitely not saying we wouldn't or won't adopt an older child in the future).

With my research here are the most accessable grants and loans I have found to help those in need of financial help concerning the adoption fees:

No-Interest Loans (I think the monthly payback agreement is between $125-$300/month):

Lifesong for Orphans
ABBA Fund

Grants:
Gift Of Adoption Fund - Awards grants averaging $3,426 with a max of $7,500

Matching Grants- they match what your friends, family, and church raise
Lifesong for Orphans
God's Grace Adoption Ministry

There are a few others I saw but I am not able to apply to them because I missed their deadlines.  If the matching process takes a long time I will probably apply for them as the time comes.

I honestly have zero idea what our chances are for any of these.  It is hard to think about going into $22,000 of debt now that we are out of debt and it seems embarrassing to ask friends and family for money towards a matching grant (if we were even to be approved for one).  I'm trying to remember that money is just money and that it all belongs to God anyway.  I hope the above links are useful to anyone starting the adoption process and that others might feel led to give to one of the above organizations. 

Adoption Tax Credit Ending

Since 1997 the government has issued some sort of tax credit for those adopting a child domestically or internationally.  In 2012 the maximum refund was $12,650.  Considering the average non-foster care adoption costs between $20,000-$30,000 this refund is a huge blessing.

Unfortunately I was just informed by my very intelligent sister that the tax credit is ending on Monday, the 31st.... Um... we were counting on that refund.  I honestly don't even want to tell Sam the bad news because I know that it will totally stress him out thinking about paying back a $22,000 loan as opposed to $10,000.

I know this is a lot to ask but if any of you would be willing to write to your local Senator and Representative and ask them to support the bills H.R.4373 (this is for the representatives to cosponsor) and the S.3616 (ask your senator to sponsor this one).  These bills have the following provisions:

• It allows a credit against adoption expenses and makes it permanent law.
• It makes the credit 100 percent refundable.
• It sets the maximum credit at $13,360 (indexed for inflation).
• It allows the full credit for adoptions of children who have been determined to have special needs, regardless of expenses.
• And, it allows all types of adoptions, except step-parent adoptions, to qualify for the credit.

You can look up your Senator here:     and your Representative here.  (Type in your zip code where it says "Find your Representative."

For those of you in Southwest Florida Connie Mack is your Rep and his address is (ask him to "Cosponsor bill H.R.4373 which reinstates the adoption tax credit for all adoptions):

Cape Coral Office:804 Nicholas Parkway East Suite 1 Cape Coral, FL 33990 Main: 239-573-5837 Fax: 239-573-9125

Naples Office:3299 Tamiami Trail East Suite 105 Naples, FL 34112 Main: 239-252-MACK Fax: 239-252-8065

Washington Office:115 Cannon House Office Building Washington, DC 20515 Main: 202-225-2536 Fax: 202-226-0439

For those of you in Florida your Senator's address is (ask them to "Cosponsor bill S.3616 which reinstates the adoption tax credit for all adoptions):

Nelson, Bill - (D - FL)	Class I
716 HART SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510
(202) 224-5274
Rubio, Marco - (R - FL)	Class III
317 HART SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510 Seriously, this stresses me out.  Of the $26,600+ the adoption is going to cost us I've just been told I can no longer depend on a tax refund that has been in place for quite a long time.  I've been saying the whole time that my job is to be obedient to God's call and he'll provide the money but this is really throwing my faith for a loop.  Please pray that these bills would pass in their entirety and that God would provide the money for us.

Ready to wait

We went to the mailbox yesterday and look what we found!

Basically this means that we could get a call any day or time saying that a mother would like to meet us to consider us as potential parents to her unborn child or that a baby has been born and the mother has signed over her parental rights.  We can also now start applying for grants and loans to help with the huge financial cost.  We're very excited.  Who knows how long it will take to be placed.  It doesn't matter.  I'm sure at some point waiting will start to get old and discouraging but for now I'm ok with whatever God's timeline is.

It doesn't matter how they get here

It's funny the amount of pressure first time mom's put on themselves to have the perfect birthing experience.  As a first time mother you feel as though you need things to go just so in order to have a life time bond with your child.  I can remember being told that my first child, Isabella was breach and I was going to have to have a C-section.  I was devastated and did everything in my power to try to get her to flip including putting a bag of frozen peas on the top of my belly while laying upside down on a slanted ironing board, diving to the bottom of a pool and flipping, and going to a holistic chiropractor to loosen my muscles around my uterus.

I felt like I was going to be less of a mother, like I was being robbed of motherhood in it's purity.  I was an idiot.  In reality the C-section was a breeze and although I only got to see my new baby for a moment before they took her to be cleaned I honestly didn't really care.  I was tired and a bit loopy from the drugs.  With my second daughter, Olive, I didn't see her for six hours because she was premature and they needed to monitor breathing.  I was fine then too.

As each of my three children was born my first response wasn't, "Oh hey there, I know you, so glad we're best friends."  Each time they handed me my new baby I studied them... I didn't know them.  They had lived inside me and made me vomit for nine months but I didn't know them.  I didn't know the sound of their voice, their personalities, or even what they looked like.  My daughters looked hispanic with their full heads of black hair and when my son was born I thought it was so strange that he had blonde hair.  I loved them, but it was a love of instinct and duty, not because I knew them.

It took months of feeding, diapering, and caring for each child before I really knew them.  I love them so much more deeply now than the day they were born.  My point is, for those of you that have never had children and can't imagine loving an adopted baby the way you would love your "own" child (I've grown to hate this phrasing- as if an adopted child is not your "real child" or your "own baby") is that it's not really different.  In both instances you have no idea what the child will actually look like (I know a family where all of the sisters but one look Indian and the oldest has red hair and fair skin), you don't know their personality, you don't know how smart they will be in the future or if a genetic disease will pop up some day.  Love is a choice, it's not genetic and it's not part of the hormonal roller coaster your body goes through during pregnancy and birth.

I already love my future son ever single bit as I love Isabella, Olive, and Liam.  I have no fear of not loving him.  With my first pregnancy, yes, I worried that my child would not be what I expected and I wouldn't feel attached.  With my second pregnancy I worried because I thought there was no way that I could love another child as much as I loved my first.  At this point I have no worries at all.  I know that in the beginning love is a choice and as much as I already love the son we will adopt, I don't know him.  When I first see him and hold him he will feel foreign to me.  However, I know, from experience that choosing to love as we get to know each other and I take care of him will bond us together as it has with me and my other children.  So, please, don't fear love.  God IS love and love is the something he will never fail to provide if you abide in Him.

P.S.  In my experience pregnancy sucks.  This is the best pre-baby experience I've ever had- no puking 20 times a day, no gaining 50 lbs (at least not yet), no raging hormones!

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Today I'm battling fear.  It's come around me and clenching the breathe out of me.  I'm afraid of the effects of the probable drug and/or alcohol by the impending birth mother of our child.  I'm really afraid of mental illness; Bipolar disease, schizophrenia, depression, the types of things that cause people to act out violently or immorally without understanding what they're doing.  I don't understand and it scares me so much. 

I'm just being honest, I'm freaking out.  Oh me of little faith!  Who is to say that any of my children that are already with me won't have these struggles in the future?  Whose to say we won't be in an accident?  Maybe I'll be the one to have problems.  What I need to remember is that God is bigger than every problem.  God can overcome addiction, genetics, disorders, and diseases.  He will never give us more than we can handle. 

I've been Googling anything and everything about babies born addicted and their long term prognosis... don't do it.  It's silly.  I should be spending that time praying.  What it has shown me though is that I'm not in control of my life or my children's life.  I can only act and react in a Godly way.  I may not be able to heal or cure or prevent something from happening to my child in the future but here are a few things I've decided I could do that might help if our precious child is born drug addicted or with a not so great family health history: I will delay vaccination as to not further overload my baby's nervous system, I will attempt to breast feed (oh yes, this can be done-but probably not easily), I will "wear" or hold the baby more than normal in order to provide constant soothing and to ease stress, I will consider (still need to research more) going to a homeopathic chiropractor for the baby to be adjusted/massaged, lastly, I'm going to try to say "No" more once the baby is born so I don't have to rely on others for child care (I've read it's best to limit the amount of care givers for the baby).  Now that I've written this list I feel like an idiot.  I sound like a first time mom writing a birth plan.... I'm sure nothing will happen like I want and I'll fail at half the list... it's worth trying though-right?

If anyone has any evidence based helpful books, links, research about healing and recovery for babies born addicted or combating a genetic predisposition to mental illness (just in case) I'd love for you to share- no googling- please.

If you want to read a good book...

Sam and I are blessed to have an incredible friend in our lives named Mark.  When Mark found out we wanted to adopt he unannounced dropped off an encouraging card and a CD audio book of Adopted for Life by, Russell D. Moore.  As soon as I got in the car I popped CD 1 in the stereo and began to listen.

What a fabulous book and sincere gift.  In the book Moore chronicals he and his wives journey through adoption.  He talks straight to those struggling with infertility and to those who already have children.  There is so useful information in the book such as the pros and cons of domestic vs. international adoption, how to speak to your adopted child about the adoption, and racial issues.

Moore also reminds us that Jesus was adopted.  Joseph wasn't just his adoptive father.  Joseph was Jesus' father, so much so that the line of David which establishes Jesus' Messiah-hood was established through Joseph, who shared zero DNA with Jesus, but yet was fully his father.

Again, I can't say enough great things about this book.  I recommend it to anyone: thinking about adopting, not considering adopting but having infertility problems, family members of those adopting, and honestly to anyone else that would like to expand their mind and understanding about the matter.  It was a very easy listen- I devoured it.  Check it out and let me know your thoughts.

Dear Birthmother Book

The final part of a home study for domestic agency adoption is creating a "Dear Birthmother" letter.  From what I understand these "letters" started out as just that- a letter to the potential birth mother of your potential child.  Now it seems that instead of a simple letter it might be best to create a scrapbook type book to be presented to the birth mothers.  I honestly don't know what birth mothers are looking for but I also don't think I need to "know" since it seems to me that each match will be unique and God is in control anyway.

I am not a scrapbooker- that whole deal is too much for me.  So, instead I opted to create a digital book- the type I'm used to creating for photography.  I found an awesome website called blurb.com where lazy people like me can download all of their instagram and facebook uploaded pictures and create a book that way.  Here is our book:  

We were told to have 5 copies printed.  I just ordered the soft cover type to save money.  I also found a coupon that saved us $27 on retailmenot.com  Apparently, once the books come in and our homestudy if signed off on by the director (supposed to happen tomorrow) then as they have birth mothers come in to the agency that they think we would be a good match with they will show our book, along with 3-4 other family's books to the mother for her to choose which family she could envision her baby being in.  At that point, if she chooses your family the agency will tell us about the mother and her situation (if there is any health history or drug use, the sex of the baby...) and ask us if we would like to accept the match or a lot of times the mother wants to talk with one or two of the families on the phone or meet in person.

Honestly, this whole scenario sounds kind of awkward to me- to think we are choosing each other- her choosing us based on an instagram book I made and us choosing her unborn child on....intuition?  Oh boy, I'm going to need to wear extra deodorant that day- I can't imagine how nervous I'll be.

So, here's to hoping the book is decent.  I'm not big on embellishments or teddy bear overlays- hopefully it's not to straightforward.  I will say that when we went to make it I realized that we had like zero pics of our whole family together so I hired a fellow photographer and good friend Audrey Owen of Audrey Snow Photography to do a quick (I'm talking 20 minutes) family shoot.  If there is anyone out there that is serious about adoption and has already started the process and had their home visit I would like to offer our photography services for quick portrait session to help you supplement your own Dear Birthmother book.

I want to be like them

Watch this.  It will warm your heart and inspire you.

Cathy's Adoption Story

I don't want this blog to be about me or us.  I want it to be a place where God can use others stories to vanquish the fear that holds so many of us back from what God has for us.  I'm not saying everyone is supposed to adopt- not at all.  I just know from my personal experience that a lot of what had closed me off to adoption in the past was the fears of the unknown and the strangeness of it all.  Here's Cathy's story of how Evie came to join their family (Cathy, her husband Jamie, and their two boys):

Our story with adoption is kind of crazy. I went to Russia the summer after my junior year to make a documentary about the Salvation Army with about 20 other media students. While we were there, we spent time in the orphanages and seeing the orphans really impacted me but not as much as what happened to me on the flight home. 

My seat on the plane was next to a young couple and a cute baby girl. This baby was so normal - giggling, crying, playing, sleeping, etc.... I asked them what her name was and they started to tell me about how they had just adopted her. They told me that the first few visits to Russia - she would just lay in her crib with no eye contact, no crying, no laughing, etc. They would hold her and they said it was like holding a doll because she didn't even react to their touch. But with every day with every visit, she got a little more responsive to them and sort of "woke up to life." Their last visit had been much longer in Russia since it was the final one and they said that was when she really blossomed - because they were able to love on her so much for a longer period of time. I just remember sitting there as a college student thinking.... "wow." 

I wanted to adopt from that day on and when Jamie [husband] and I started dating, I told him that I really wanted to adopt some day. He is really laid back and was like "sure, sounds good. whatever." After having both boys, I started asking him if we could look into adoption and he still wasn't excited about it or completely sold out. He kept saying if you want to, then we'll do it. But I didn't want to embark on such a huge thing if he wasn't on board 110%. So, I just started praying and months later he came to me and said that he was studying scripture and realized he was being selfish and scared to not want to adopt. The Lord convicted him of that and changed his heart to desire adopting just like me. It was pretty amazing. 

So, I started researching grants and calling agencies. We are a month to month family with our bills. We never have a lot left over but God is always faithful to provide just enough to keep us going. Every person I talked to said, "do not let finances keep you from pursuing adoption. If God wants you to adopt, He will provide a way and will provide the funds." So, I kept looking and researching and one night I got sooooooo overwhelmed with all the information out there. I remember just shutting off my mac and sitting in my bed and I started praying "God if you want us to adopt and it isn't' just my selfish desire, will you drop a baby in our lap?" 

That night the awful earthquake happened in Haiti and a week later a ton of orphans were flown to Indy to find homes. One of the agencies called us and asked if we wanted to get on the list for a Haitian child. And I thought wow! That was a fast answer to my prayer for a child to be dropped in our laps. We said yes but then the next day they called back and said that all the children were "claimed" so we didn't "get to adopt one." 

Well, I decided to keep praying that specific prayer for God to drop a baby in our lap if it was His will. After months of praying we got a call from a Dr. at a local hospital. She knew of our heart for adoption and after she delivered a baby girl, the mom and dad looked at her in the hospital room and told her that they couldn't keep the baby. They wanted her to find the baby a good home THAT DAY. They didn't want social services involved, no agencies, they wanted it quick and fast so they wouldn't worry about her. Basically, Evie's mom cheated on her husband with this guy. Her husband was fighting in Iraq and she was living with her parents. She hid the pregnancy by not eating and smoking so her parents never knew. She was determined to get home the next day before her parents started wondering where she was. (crazy!) 

So..... The Dr. called us and said, "Hey I just delivered a baby girl and her parents want you to adopt her." I just stood there with the phone to my ear. We were on vacation in Michigan with Jamie's family. I told her that I needed to talk to Jamie and I would call her back. Jamie comes from a strong Christian family so we immediately formed a prayer circle with aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. It was awesome - we just prayed for God's will to be done. 

On our drive home from Michigan, we got a lawyer (God worked that out for us - it was a Saturday and he answered his cell phone on the golf course), the lawyer went Sunday morning and had both birth parents sign off on Evie and then on Monday we went in to court and became her guardians and were allowed to see her on Monday afternoon. 

The Dr. got a slap on the hand from the hospital for not going through social services - which obviously they had to get involved for the adoption to be even allowed to take place. She didn't even care that she got in trouble. She kept saying it was a God thing. We got an adoption agency and did everything backwards - we had home studies, background checks, blood tests, everything but we already had Evie in our home. It was kind of crazy. haha! 

It took us 1.5 years to finalize the adoption and we had a few scares but God took care of everything. Our lawyer isn't a believer and we kept telling him how God kept answering prayers during the 1.5 years and he didn't believe us but then some crazy stuff happened to answer our prayers and I will never forget him getting teary eyed and saying that he was beginning to think there was something to this "God thing."

Evie was pretty sick at the beginning (we are still paying her medical bills off from her first week of life). One of my friends from church had a baby the day before Evie at the same hospital and he was sick, too. So her baby boy and Evie were side by side in the NICU. I joked with her one day as she was nursing her son in the hospital if she would be my wet nurse. One of the nurses laughed with us but then said, "Oh breast milk would be so good for Evie since she is so sick." My friend pumped breast milk for Evie for the first 6 months of her life. It was amazing!!!!!!!! She only had to have 1 bottle of formula a day. Such a gift.

Our total cost of adoption ended up being around $1500 - way less than we were trying to save up for. And God provided.
So, that is basically our story. I had many times that weekend of overwhelming fear that we were taking on a child so suddenly. My dad kept saying, "You prayed for this. Calm down." I just like everything in order and I'm a very type A person. And the way it all happened was so chaotic. But Jamie was steadfast and strong. He kept saying, "God gave her to us. Stop doubting." She is definitely a daddy's girl which is so fun. And the boys just lover her. 

One of the fears I had about adopting domestically was the tendency for birth mothers to be addicted to drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes.  I wrote back asking Cathy to clarify why and how Evie was sick and how that impacted their family.  This is her response:

Evie had horrible nicotine withdraw that made her scream constantly when she was awake for the first 4-5 days of her life. Then she would crash from wearing herself out and her heart rate would drop terribly low and she would stop breathing and she would set off all the monitors. It was so stressful to hold her those days. Usually babies are so calming to hold but not Evie. I would get so tense and my neck would hurt just from the anxiety of her screaming. And there was nothing that would help. I would think about how my boys would just nurse and sleep and cry only once in a while. I can't lie - my mind often wondered if I would be able to handle this. The nurses kept telling me she would be better once the nicotine was out of her system and they were so right. (sigh of relief)
She had a feeding tube for about 3 days because she was too weak to eat but she quickly got over that. She was extremely tiny - just 5 lbs. We were so not used to such a tiny thing. Our boys were big. One was 9 lb. 1 oz. 

According to the nurses and the Dr. she came out sort of pale and green and something was terribly wrong with her blood. So, she had a blood transfusion the day she was born and they were never quite sure what caused her blood problem. I remember the Dr. saying something like "all her good blood might have gotten sucked back to her mother by the umbilical cord." I remember not understanding much the first week of her life. Tons of tests were run on her blood, heart, and even her brain and everything after her transfusion came back showing that she was fine. (Praise Jesus - but a heck of a lot of money to pay for all those tests) 

We were sent home with a monitor in case she stopped breathing but it never happened. 4 months later we were able to get off of the monitor. She is as healthy as can be and actually gets sick less than our boys.  ~ Cathy

My thoughts on domestic adoption.

Domestic adoption is a mind game.  On one hand, if you adopt a newborn, it doesn't really seem like they are an orphan.  They're not in an orphanage in squallier, their parents probably didn't die, but none the less they're parents are refusing to raise them.  These mothers made the incredibly hard choice to live through 9 months of shame, embarrassment, discomfort, and questioning rather than abort their baby.  If I, as a Christian, believe that abortion is wrong then I, by default believe that the solution to an unwanted pregnancy is adoption.  If I believe that, and I'm asking every woman that finds herself pregnant and doesn't want to keep the baby to choose life then shouldn't I be part of the solution?

 Maybe the reason abortion is so accepted and adoption seems so strange or shameful is because there aren't enough examples of Christian families welcoming these babies into their families.  What if it was the norm for families (at least Christian ones) to have at least one adopted child in their family?  Wouldn't that paint a pretty plain picture for these pregnant mom's in crisis of what the adoption option practically looked like?  Maybe instead of choosing abortion out of fear they would choose life and adoption out of reassurance that their child would be loved and that they were not the first to make this same choice.

Having said this, I do not think domestic adoption is best, who knows maybe someday we'll adopt internationally or from the foster care system, I just know that for right now this is the avenue we are supposed to take.

The Home Study Visit.

What is more terrifying than a stranger coming to your house to evaluate whether or not you would be or are a good parent?  In my mind this is what an adoption home study was.  I started to question my parenting and even more my housekeeping skills.

As a reference we were able to schedule our home study as soon as our background checks and fingerprints went through and the majority of our application had been scanned and sent to our case worker at the agency.  We scheduled it for two weeks from that date.

During the entire weekend before the Monday of the home study we cleaned, arranged furniture and bought extra baby safety equipment for the cabinets.  We were ready to show how clean and safe our house was...or could be.

When Jennifer, the case worker arrived she asked for a quick tour of the house.  She asked where the baby would sleep and what the sleeping arrangements would be for the rest of the family.  While holding my breath I showed her a cluttered storage room that we would soon convert to our daughters bedroom and my daughter's current bedroom where all three of my children were sleeping.  She didn't seem to care at all.  All she wanted to know is that there was adequate and considerably clean living space for each child.  She cared more about the fact that there were three available bedrooms (one is currently a play room, one a storage room, and one the bedroom) for the children than the current actually arrangements.

She then asked if our fire detectors worked.  Of course this is the one project Sam forgot to complete.  He went to change the batteries in preparation for the visit and ended up forgetting and leaving the fire detector wires dangling from the ceiling without the batteries or lid!  She asked if our dog was up to date on her rabies shots and I showed her the dog tag.

Then Jennifer talked to Sam by himself for about 30 minutes and then with me alone.  During this one on one time she asked about our upbringing- about how our parents disciplined us and how we planned to discipline, about our marriage, about our strengths and weaknesses and why we wanted to adopt.

We then came together with her as a family and she asked us more similar questions while my daughters showed off and drew her pictures.  During this time I also asked Jennifer a million questions about what to expect and she helped educate and guide us through the difficult forms that asked us about the alcohol and drug use of the birth mom.  She explained that based on our application and home study, when they had a birth mother they felt that might be a good match but maybe had a health history or substance abuse history that was more than what we had indicated on the form that they would call us and inform us of that specific situation and ask if we were comfortable with them showing the mom our Dear Birthmother book.

Having Jennifer come for our home study was like hearing a baby's heart beat for the first time.  I have no idea what other people's home study process was like but for us it was an amazing and encouraging process.  It was one more confirmation that we had chosen the right agency.

Our first pile of paper work.

I downloaded the application packet, 63 pages in all.  I printed it out and then stayed up until 3am filling out as much as I could.

Here's a basic list of what what was required in the application packet and what we had to do to complete it:

1.  A copy of our marriage certificate.  We had lost ours so we had to send away to the state for a copy.  It cost $5 and came about 10 days later.  Just google "Copy of marriage license and your state name" to find a link to the form to do this if you have also lost yours.

2. A copy of two years of past income tax statements.

3. A photograph of our family.

4. A list of 4 people to be used as references and their addresses so a reference form could be sent.  For my agency it requested that if possible one of the references were from a pastor or religious leader in your life.

5. A letter from our insurance company saying that the baby would be covered as soon as the baby was taken into our custody or we were "placed."  The legal adoption actually takes place about 90 days after the baby is placed.  It is illegal for insurance agencies in our state to deny coverage of an adopted child once they are placed.  Currently our insurance agency is saying they don't cover this situation so it looks like we will be having some lengthy phone calls with the insurance agency in the future.
6. A one to two page autobiography from both Sam and I.

7. A "Dear Birth Mother" letter or book.  This is a letter or book with pictures and and information about your family that goes to the birth mothers so they can see the types of families wishing to adopt.  More about this later.

8. A copy of a CPR certification card.  I took the 4 hour class one night with a friend.  It was fun and very helpful. Sam already had his certification.

9. Consent to do a background check on both of us.

10. An Affidavit of Good Moral character.  This was a document that lists a bunch of crimes like forgery and fraud and then has you sign to say you have never taken part in any of the listed things.

11. A release for the Department of Children and Families to send information on us.  I'm pretty sure this one is to show that our family does not have a history of abuse or crime or anything that would endanger a child.

12. Authorization for a Central Abuse Hotline Record Release.

13. We had to get our fingerprints taken at location so they could check our criminal records.  We signed up online for an appointment.  Paid about $50 and then went to the appointment where we had our fingers smushed onto a fingerprint scanner.

14. Release for credit information where we had to list all of our bank accounts and credit accounts.

15. 11 Pages of questions that Sam and I both had to fill out.  The questions were things like: "What are your hobbies?"  and "How do you feel about birth parents?" or "Describe your own childhood."

16. Health History of both Sam and me.

17. A form that a physician had to fill out showing that we were in good health.  We had to schedule these appointments and pay out of pocket- $85 for each physical.  Our insurance didn't cover it because they were not sick appointments.

18. A blood panel, TB test, and HIV test.  These were all out of pocket expenses as well.  We had to get the physical first so that the doctor could write an order for all of the blood tests and then go to a separate lab to have the tests done.  Then once the test results were sent we had to go back to the physician to get the form from the agency that they had now signed off on.  This was probably the most annoying part of the application packet but it was also kind of exciting because we were actively doing something towards the adoption.

19. A document stating the fees that would be charged.  They total $26,600.  We had to sign saying we understood the fees.

20. Another 4 pages of questions about our health and our feelings about adoption.  This seemed a little reduntant because we had answered very similar questions in the other application packet.

21. 4 pages of questions asking what type of child we were hoping for and what situations we would be open to.  We were able to specify the sexes and races we would be open to and if we would accept twins or sibling groups.  We also had to say what type of health history we were comfortable with and how much birth mother drug use, smoking, and drinking we would be ok with.

This part of the application was by far the most difficult.  On one hand, of course we want a healthy child and the safe thing to do is to reject any child with a bad family health history and to only consider birth mom's who used no drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes during the pregnancy.  On the other hand, it wasn't these babies fault if their mother's didn't take care of their pregnant bodies or their was a history of hemophilia or diabetes.  Why should they be punished or rejected again because of something they had nothing to do with.

Filling out this list was such a vulnerable experience.  It's almost like the totally feeling that if you make a living will that then you'll probably die soon.  Like if I marked off that I was ok with a baby who's mom had taken heavy prescription drugs during the pregnancy that my baby would surely be born to a mother of that description and surely have problems because of the use.  Here's a screen capture of a few of these pages:

 

22. A home study visit in which a social worker from the agency came to our house.  More about that in another post.

There were a few more items that were required but didn't apply to us:

-Copy of any divorce decrees.

-A child care class if this is your first child.

-Copies of any previous home studies.

Insurance for adopted newborns-know your rights.

One of the obligations in our adoption application is that we have a letter from our health insurance agency stating that our adopted child will be covered under our insurance at the time of placement.  So, it stands to reason that all we would need to do is call the insurance company and say, "Yo, hook me up with a letter please."  Errrrrr!  Nope, when I called they were confused and couldn't give me a straight answer and told me to talk to Sam's employer's HR.  So Sam called HR and they told him that the insurance would kick in once a child was legally adopted.

Well... an adoption for a newborn isn't legalized for at least 90 days after the baby is placed with their parents.  Placement is the term used when the baby goes home to live with you. So, our insurance company was saying that they wouldn't cover our child, whose birth mother had already terminated her rights, until at least 90 days after the baby had already been living with us.  Isn't this a little messed up? What if something happens to our baby during those 90 days?  We rack up $50,000 hospital bill and that's it- no insurance?

After further investigation I found out that it has been deemed illegal in the state of Florida to deny insurance coverage after a child has been placed. So...guess what I can't wait to do today!  Wish me luck as I call back the insurance company and talk to some random person and tell them what the law says and then ask them to write a letter saying the will cover our child at the time of placement.... I have a feeling I should probably pray before and soak in a hot bath after this call.

****WoooHOOO!
This morning I called our insurance company and told her what I needed.  For the first time in my life I got a kind and sweet lady on the phone.  She even congratulated me on the choice to adopt.  When I told her that I needed a letter stating that the insurance kick in at placement she kind of groaned and then put me on hold to talk to her supervisor.  When she got back she told me to call HR again... At least she was nice.  I called HR and of course they were out for training.  I left a nice but probably obnoxious message stating that she had already talked to my husband and told him that the child could not be covered but informing her of several different laws and ammendments (The Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act of 1993 (OBRA’93), Public Law 103-66, amended the Employee Retirement Income Security Act of 1974 (ERISA), The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 (HIPAA), Public Law 104-91, which also amended ERISA) which prohibited the denial of insurance for adopted children upon placement. 

Well.... I think I said the right things because she left a message at the end of the day saying that she did some research and I was right and she would email me a letter!  A sincere thank you to the law makers and people that went before me and fought the battle to have these laws in place.  Hopefully this post might save you yourself an extra 4 phone calls someday:)

I still wasn't sure.

I contacted Carol's law office the next day.  Susan had "WHOLEHEARTEDLY" recommended her and I felt like I should start with talking with her.  I wanted to hear more about this agency was on her Facebook page and that had touched me with the anonymous quote.  When I called an answering service answered.  I told them I wanted to speak to Carol.  The lady said she was busy and short staffed because of a death in two of her staff member's family and that she couldn't talk to me right them.  I told her I understood and just wanted to schedule a time to talk with her.  The answering lady took down my contact info.

A week passed and nothing.... I decided to email Carol...  Another couple of weeks and still no returned call or email.  I began to grow discouraged.  I wanted to move forward or at least just talk to Carol.  I felt I had been given and invaluable resource and that I should use it.  I started to feel rejected and started doubting.  I didn't understand why the secretary couldn't just email or call me back telling me she was still busy but at least putting a quick phone call on the calendar.

I went to our children's homeschool co-op school one morning feeling especially confused and just wanting a clear answer.  Each Tuesday that our group meets one family from the community gives a family presentation.  On this particular morning the presenting family walked to the front of the room with their three boys....and, a newborn baby girl.  They had just adopted.  As they told their adoption story they mentioned the agency they used.  It was the same agency with the quote.  I got the chills again.  This was a small agency- they only assist in 20 adoptions a year and it is in a random city that isn't where me or the family presenting live.

I went home and called Carol's office one more time.  This time I was told she was out of town and would be gone for a week and would then need another week to call me back... At that point I asked what exactly Carol did- did she help match birth mother's with adoptive mothers? What did she have to do with the agency that was on her Facebook page, with the quote, that the family from our school group had adopted from?  The assistant told me that she provided the legal work but didn't not help with matches.  She told me that the agency was one that Carol had started 20 years ago and that it was "her baby."

I got off the phone and with much nervousness called the adoption agency.  They were so kind.  They asked questions and answered mine.  They told me they only take on 20 birth mother's a year and 20 families wanting to adopt as to not have a large waiting list.  She told me that they presently had room for adopting families.  I asked her about the demographics that they mostly worked with.  She told me the birth mother's and babies were mostly Caucasian but occasionally they had a child of another race born.  I also learned that although it was not a Christian agency that all of the employees and counselors at the agency were Christ followers.  They believed that children were not commodaties adn that it was very important to provide extensive counseling to the birth mothers both before and for years after the birth of their child.  We ended the conversation with her collecting my email and sending me an application.

It all sounded perfect except one thing: We wanted to adopt an African American child and they told me that they had mostly Caucasian babies born. It didn't make sense for us to use this agency.  It would make more sense if we went with a huge agency in a largely African American city were our chances of finding this one specific child were much greater.  However, I had prayed for guidance and clarity with Sam and it certainly seemed that God was leading us to this agency.  If I really believed that God was God then shouldn't I believe that He can complete the work he has started?  Shouldn't I trust Him instead of me trying to control the situation and follow the statistics?

Once again we decided to put our fear aside and move forward.  I opened the email from the agency and found to pdfs of paperwork for us to fill out: One that was 47 pages and one that was 16 pages.  In my next post I'll explain what types of things were in the application.

What happened next.

After Sam and I both agreed that we felt God was leading us to adopt and fears aside that this would be a good thing for our family I wasn't really sure what to do next.

I am a supreme researcher.  If I'm interested in something I research it until I feel confident that I am making the best decision.  Our first decision was what adoption avenue to take.  Months earlier, before I had started having the picture of this little boy pop in my head I had researched types of adoption.  International adoption seemed to make sense.  It seemed less complicated in the sense that you see pictures of these dirty, poverty striken, skinny kids in orphanages and it gives you a sense that you must really be doing something "good." It also seemed that the birth mothers of these children were more ghost like and it would be less complicated knowing you would never worry if they would change their mind or come to America to find their child.

For one reason or another though, once I felt called I felt confident that our son to be would be born in America.  We also decided to pursue newborn adoption for the reasons of not messing with the birth order already established in our family (our children our 6 1/2, 5, and 2).  My pursuit to find an agency or lawyer began.  I had NO idea where to start.  I had no idea how to adopt a child, how much it cost, or what the differences in public, private, or agency adoptions were.  I found some photo listings on sites of children waiting to be adopted.  I found Christian and non-Christian adoption agencies.  Some were huge and had offices around the country and some only saw through 10-20 adoptions a year and were local.

I asked people that had adopted to tell me their agency.  I talked to one friend who had used an adoption lawyer and who seemed to have had a dream situation and process.  I looked at directories and lists.  I would find an agency that looked good but then read a sketchy review about them.  I had two very strong suggestions from women that had just adopted but for some reason I just felt in limbo about the decision.  I wanted to find the little boy so present in my heart and I didn't want to just say eenie-meenie- miney-mo and choose.

I called my mom and told her first that we were going to adopt and about everything that had brought us to that place.  She was so encouraging.  I have the most wonderful mother you could ever imagine.  She sounded excited.  She sounded though she already loved this little baby as much as I did.  What did I do to deserve a mother like this? She listened to me and dreamed with me.  Then, she interupted me several times and told me, "Ashley, I really think you need to talk to Susan S___."  Susan is a wonderful women that goes to the church we attend and that I grew up with.  Growing up I had known she was a lawyer but not an adoption lawyer.  "Ok, great" I said, and then I continued to talk about not knowing where to start or what to do.  She told me again, "Just call Susan."  By this point I thought I should probably talk to Susan.

Later that night I facebook messaged Susan.  Here's how our next few dialogues went (I've removed some names since this was a private conversation and want to consider others privacy):

11:14pm

• "Hi Susan, I wanted to talk to at church today but I got there late must have missed you. My mom said you used to be an adoption lawyer. Is she correct? God has put it on our heart to adopt and I'm trying to figure out the whole process and where to start and any wisdom you could offer to me would be amazing. Thanks so much, Ashley"

At  5:16am the next morning she responds:

• 
  

  
  

  "Ashley indeed I did for years limit my practice to adoption. In terms of where to start I have a somewhat surprising place to send you and that is to a woman I've known for years through homeschooling - her husband works for ___ and his job recently moved them to Arizona. In any event they had 4 children and within the past couple years adopted #5. They have a huge heart for orphans and they are involved in some sort of ministry that helps Christian families connect with babies. God laid her on my heart to connect you two. The next person I would recommend WHOLEHEARTEDLY is a Christian attorney out of (city). There are a lot of people in the adoption world that see it as a business. She loves the Lord and people and she does things right for the right reasons. She loves birth moms and treats them with respect. She is lead by the Holy Spirit - very mature Christian. She's extremely knowledgeable and experienced - was my mentor when I joined the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys (remember that organization - it means a person knows what they are doing - you want someone who is a member to represent you) and the only attorney I know and trust to send someone to for adoption. The Christian Mom is S___  and the Attorney is ___ (for the sake of sparing confusion I'll refer to this attorney as "Carol") - I will try to follllow up with contact 

  info. Carol is in the phone directory for her city - let her know I referred you to her. God bless you!" -Susan
• 8:13am of the same day:

  
  

  
  

  "That would be so wonderful. You are wonderful for getting back me so quickly and caring so much. I feel very much like the Holy Spirit has showed me somethings about the child I'm supposed to adopt and it feels like this baby was conceived in my heart the same time it was actually conceived. I believe I'm supposed to adopt an African American baby boy and have this yearning in my heart like one of my kids is missing from me. I feel like I will sound crazy to most so definitely would find reassurance in talking to a Christian whose sensitive to God's spirit. Thank you again for your help." -Ashley

  
  At this point I waited to see if Susan would get back to me with Carol's contact info.  Then I went back and read the facebook message again and realized that I could just look Carol up.  Since I was already on Facebook I typed Carol's name in the search bar.  Her page was private but on her "info" panel was a few sentences promoting a certain adoption agency (one that I later found out was the agency that she had started twenty years ago).  I noted the agencies name and did a Google search that took me to their homepage.  In all my searches for agencies I had never come accross this one.  At the top of the page in large letters was a quote:
  
  

  

  As I read this I got chills.  It was like I had written the quote.  The words I had written to Susan and the words I had used to convey my feelings to Sam and my family were being echoed back in this quote.  I felt and still feel like this child was conceived or born in my heart.  For the first time in all my searching of adoption sites and interviewing of adoptive parents something felt right....

  
  
  
  

When I told Sam.

I remember telling Sam about the visions of the little boy that I had been having and how strange it was.  I told him how confused I was.  I don't know if I even asked him to pray along with me about why I was having these visions (and by that I mean it was like a very clear picture that kept coming to my mind) because it seemed silly.  After a couple of weeks or so of having this vision I started doing some research on adoption.  I had a sense that maybe that's what it was about.  I started asking my friends who had adopted about their story.  I googled a ton.  I read blog entries from adoptive mothers.  By this point God had broken my heart completely and convinced me that this image I was seeing was to be our son through adoption.

I went to Sam, telling him how I felt- like a child had been conceived in my heart.  That I loved this child already, the very same way I loved our other children.  That my eyes filled with tears when I felt the desperation of not knowing who he was or how to find him.  Sam was surprised to hear me say all of these things since I had always been closed off to adoption as an option for our family.  He told me that he had always been open to it and although he was a little overwhelmed that he would consider it.

For the next week or so Sam and I prayed.  We took a day to fast and pray as a way clear our mind and more importantly to show God that this was serious to us and that we wanted above all else, his will in this huge decision.  Sam expressed his fears with me.  They were the same as mine; mainly that the child would have mental or physical problems due to a mother's drug or alcohol addiction and that we didn't have the funds to complete an adoption.  We decided in the end that fear was a very bad reason to say "No" to something God was calling us to do.

And so Sam said, "Yes, let's do this."  Without persuasion or manipulation, he said "Yes."  I married a good man, a man that seeks God and tries to live out the Gospel and a man that loves me and trusts me. 

Why am I scared to write this?

I've read some adoption blogs.  I've seen the judgmental comments.  It's making me scared to be real.  Scared to be judged.  All I can say is; I don't know it all, I don't have it all figured out, and I hope I grow from who I am now into a wiser version of me.  Our story is not going to be the same as anyone elses journey and I don't expect to be understood by everyone.  Ok, here it is:

My husband, Sam and I decided to start trying to have a fourth child about a year ago.  Our last three pregnancies had come about very quickly.  After 3-4 months of trying this time I started to casually think about adoption.  Not in a committed sense but none the less differently than I had before.  I yearned for another child and after a few short months of trying to get pregnant I had already started to get discouraged by the negative pregnancy test and emotional up and downs.  After a few more months of trying we finally got a positive test.  I told my family and bought a few new stretchy shirts but held off on making a doctor's appointment.  With my first pregnancy the doctor didn't see me until I was 11 weeks along so I thought I'd be fine waiting.  I don't know why I waited, maybe I had a sense that I wouldn't need the appointment.  After just a couple of weeks I miscarried.

It hurt, not physically, but it hurt my heart.  I felt like I wasn't allowed to be too sad or to get depressed.  It wasn't fair.  I already had three children.  What would someone that couldn't have any think or say about my situation?  I had miscarried between 6-7 weeks.  That's nothing compared to someone who loses a child later in pregnancy or in a tragic way.  I was and am blessed and I tried to be thankful and move on, but it still hurts if I allow myself to think about it.

After that we tried a few more months to get pregnant (by this point it had been a total of 7 months) and then, in July, we decided to take a break.  In July Sam started a new job and I had a ton on my plate with a business venture and a full fall calendar photographing weddings.  We felt there was no way at this point that I could get pregnant and survive the extreme morning sickness I was bound to get (it had gotten worse with each pregnancy) while working as much as I needed to those next few months.  We decided to wait about 6 months and then start trying again.  This was in July.

In mid-September, one night when I was getting into bed I had an image pop into my mind of a little African American boy.  He was wearing a maroon shirt with some white and navy stripes on the sleeves.  The backdrop was a mottled blue, it looked like a school picture type thing.  I remember because I see the same image in my head today.  The first time this happened it surprised me.  I thought, "Huh, that's strange..."  I didn't know any little boys this age that looked like this, I hadn't just watched a tv show or movie with a character that looked like him... It was strange, not because he was African American and I was not- it would have been just as strange if I had the same vision of a random little girl with brown hair and blue eyes.

Over the next week I kept having this image pop into my head.  So much that I started to pray about it.  "God, who is this little boy and why do I keep thinking about him?"  I had the ladies in my small group pray.  I started to get the sense it had to do about adoption, maybe for someone I knew, maybe just for me to support adoption in general, or maybe it was about us.  After a couple of weeks of constantly thinking about this vision I kept having and praying I became convinced that this child was our son.  I felt and still feel that this child was conceived in my heart.  It was a similar feeling as thinking you might be pregnant and then confirming that you are.  God had started to soften my heart and then through this image of this little boy completely changed my heart to the point that I know have a yearning to find my son.  I feel like he is missing from me in the same way as I would desperately miss one of my children if they were away from me.

Having said this, I do not feel desperate to take or "get" a child.  I do not feel like I deserve another child or would be a better mother than whoever is carrying him in her belly.  God has given me a peace and assurance that He will complete what he has started.  I feel called to a specific child, like there is a missing piece of our family but I also want the child that God wants us to have and to not force or control anything.  I want what is best for the birth mothers.  If they are able and wanting to raise their child I want them to because I don't want them to ever experience painful regret or feel like they made a bad decision.  I don't want these mothers to make a decision because of temporary financial circumstances or unfulfilled dreams, I don't want to take someone's child; I want to fulfill God's call to take care of orphans and respond to the personal journey he is calling us to.


***I wanted to clarify that although I mentioned us having a miscarriage and it taking longer than we expected to get pregnant again in no way is our decision to adopt linked to us not thinking we could get pregnant again or out of fear of another miscarriage.  God simply removed my desire to even  be pregnant again when he put the desire to adopt in my heart.

We're having a baby.

  We're having a baby!  Kind of... Hopefully... We're adopting.  It's something I never thought I'd do.  I've heard lots of people say, "I plan on adopting someday."  That's one thing I had never said.  I didn't get it.  If I was able to carry and give birth to a child, why would I adopt?  It was something for other people, until it wasn't- until it definitely, with all certainty was for me.

   As a business owner I've tried to self-censor myself, not wanting to appear too emotional or too "christian-y" or too anything.  I've tried to appear confident and not too opinionated as to not alienate potential clients or referrals and so I could build a brand- a brand that was me (more accurately us, my husband and I.) I don't want to do that anymore, at least not here.  We've decided to adopt and I feel excited, and scared, passionate, and opinionated and I think that maybe, if I'm honest about it, that it might help or encourage someone else.  So, if you're interested, or bored, and only if you can forgive my more than occasional grammatical mistakes, check back as I share our story of how we got to where we are now and what's ahead of us.