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Here starts the beginning of the post I can barely bring myself to write, but not doing so would be to deny the existence of one of the most significant lives I have every been touched by.
When Sam and I had been considering a "Plan B" to be matched perhaps a little faster I had called this lawyer. From the beginning they had been referred to me by two people. When I called I told them I was hoping to adopt an African American little boy. I told her that I had been told by another agency that no African American mother would ever choose a white family with three kids. She was kind, upbeat, and reassuring- telling me that people are individuals and make decisions for lots of different reasons. She emailed me some information but I never called back or emailed back.
A month ago my sister and I attended a fundraising dinner and were seated next to another lawyer from the same local law firm. We hit it off and I mentioned that I had talked to someone in the office about adopting. Evidently she went back and mentioned our meeting to the adoption lawyer.
This must have made me fresh in her mind because a little over two weeks ago I received an email and call from the adoption lawyer saying there was a bi-racial baby boy that was going to born in July that needed a family. She asked if we were interested and wanted our profile shown. We said yes and signed a few papers.
For the next two and a half days I prayed and fasted-praying that the mom would choose us if this was Isaiah, that she would say "No" if it wasn't, or that another situation would come up before she could say "Yes." We had waited 6 months with nothing, so the idea of another situation coming up seemed improbable. The whole time I was praying I had a very uneasy feeling about the match. We of course were going to move ahead with it but there was a fear and overall reservation I felt.
A few hours after ending my fast I got another call from the lawyer. I was sure she was going to have an answer for us- it was only supposed to take a day or two. Instead she told me that a baby had been born a few days earlier at 25 weeks and 6 days gestation. She texted me a picture, a video, and the medical records. He was African American and weighed 1lb 15oz. I was instantly in love. I called Sam who was in shock. Was this the "other situation" I had prayed for? When I prayed that what I think I meant was "A perfectly healthy full term baby with no risk involved."
Sam was working overnight shifts for the next two days so we couldn't even talk about it. During the next days I called my friend who is a NICU nurse, my pediatrician, and two friends whose children were born very prematurely. When I talked to the medical professionals I heard nothing but fear and warning. They told me the statistics were bad and besides the chance of death the disabilities could be devastating. All my friends had hopeful stories.
The baby was thousands of miles away so I decided to call the neonatologist and see if he could give me some information about this specific child. I didn't want statistics... I wanted to know how he, as an individual, was doing. The doctor was kind and answered all my questions but he mainly told me statistics. He referred to the baby as being a "24 weeker" and said that he had a 80%-90% chance of dying or being mildly to severely disabled. As an individual though he said the baby was exceeding their expectations- breathing without a ventalator, tolerating some feedings...
Sam and I talked and prayed and decided to wait. We figured that as long as we didn't close the doors then if this was our child, then God wouldn't close the doors either. A few days passed and I could think of nothing but Baby C_ _ _, as we called him. I decided to call the doctor again and see how he was doing. This time I talked to the Nurse Practitioner that was actually giving most of the care to Baby C. She told me his brain scans had come back totally fine. This was a HUGE relief. Brain bleeds, which happen often in preemies, are one of the main causes of brain damage. I asked her at what point he would "need a mom" to hold him and bond with him. She said "right away!" I couldn't believe it. I thought he was too frail and weak. She said he was totally stable and he really needed to be adopted as soon as possible.
I called Sam and told him this and he said he wanted to make a decision about adopting him in the next 24-72 hours so I could fly out there to be with him a soon as possible if that is what we decided to do. We had no idea if we could even pull it all off- me moving to Arizona with my three kids, without him for months. Sam had another few night shifts in a row so I used those days to do some research. I called 5 different people about our insurance coverage before I got an answer- it was a pretty decent answer. I found out I have more friends in Arizona than I knew and was able to find places to stay during our 2-3 month stay. Pretty much all of our obstacles about getting there and being there were worked out in a few hours.
The decision was in Sam's hands. We had our pastor, our family, and the friends that had been with us when we got the calls praying for us. The crazy thing is is that despite the horrible statistics and the scary research we felt stronger and less afraid as time went on. When we started the journey we had said no to any special needs children- we didn't feel we could add that to our already busy family. Words like blindness, deafness, ADHD, and Cerebal Palsy now seemed somehow manageable. This baby wasn't theoretical- he was here and he needed a family. More than that we were in love with him- he already felt like our child.
Sam and I talked. He wanted us to write down and discuss all the "costs." I figured out the financials and we talked about being apart, the stress, the emostional toll. In the end he said "let's do this." I called our lawyer and told her we were in and to move things ahead.
I found a flight, packed our bags, and waited in agony. My heart hurt. It felt like there was a tiny piece missing. My heart hurt so bad (literally) that I had a dream doctors had discovered a bleeding hole in my heart. By Monday afternoon I couldn't take it anymore. I called my lawyer and asked if she could check how Baby C did over the weekend and if she had heard anything. I told her I had a flight picked out and I was ready as soon as they could move the process along and give me a "go".
She called back an hour later and told me Baby C had an infection in his gut and would need surgery and a blood transfusion. The news took my breath away. I knew this was bad but also knew that there was still a big chance he'd be fine. I got depressed. I was helpless. I had no way of finding out details or checking in. In my heart he was mine but legally I was nobody to him. I put the kids in bed early that night and cried and laid in bed. It was too early to sleep but tv sounded ridiculous. I didn't want to talk to anyone so I turned on my Bible App on my phone and played the audio recording of the book of John. I listened to it until I fell asleep. It gave me peace and reminded me that I serve a God that walked on this earth and suffered too.
Sam got home later and we had late night interview with an adoption grant comittee to hopefully receive financial help towards the adoption. The interview had been set for this time a month ago. It must have been a divine appointment. On the other end of the phone was a godly couple who asked us how we were. We shared our story with them and cried. The were compassionate and wise. They spent the rest of the time praying for us. The wife quoted Isaiah 43. As she prayed. Sam looked at me- "Isaiah!" We felt uplifted and at peace. We were sure this was our child and our story would be one of hope and beating all odds.
The next morning my lawyer called- "Ash, he didn't make it." I was in shock. My baby- the child that I felt so sure of and loved so much- was dead? As I type this my heart starts hurting again. She assured me that he didn't die alone. The other lawyer- that was appointed to his birth mom, held him as he passed away.
He died without a name. He died without a momma. I wanted to be his mom. I was ready. I was ready to hold him and love him. Why did things have to take so long to move along? Why couldn't I have been the one there?
It's like he never existed. No name, no birth certificate, no funeral... But he did exist. And he changed me. His life did matter. I know it's not my right but I'd like to name him Thaddeus. In Aramaic it means "heart." When I first starting having the vision of the little boy that lead me to adoption I for some reason kept having the name "Thaddeus" come into my head over and over. So much that I wrote it in my journal along with the meaning. Because there will always be a tiny piece of my heart missing I want to name him Thaddeus.
Thaddeus, in your 12 days of life, this is how you changed me:
- You showed me a glimpse of the agony that mother's of sick and dying children go through. Chest pains, waking up at 4am praying, crying. You gave me the gift of compassion.
- You made me think about hard things. You showed me I could choose love even if it meant my life ended up harder than I had wanted originally.
- You taught me that people with disabilities weren't "handicap people," they were somebody's baby boy.
- You taught me about a lot of disorders and disabilities: autism, ADD, bipolar, cerebal palsy... You showed me that maybe I could be a good mom to a child like this.
- You reminded me that adoption and parenthood is not about the child being perfect for the parent- it's about the parent uncoditionally loving the child.
- You taught me that life is fragile and precious.
- You taught me to stop worrying about money.
- You showed me that if I don't work as much as usual the world keeps spinning.
- You brought Sam and I closer together.
-You taught my children to pray.
- You gave us the opportunity to say "Yes" to something really hard.
- You showed me the power of prayer.
- You brought me closer to God.
- You made me appreciate my life.
- You reminded me to hold each of my children, everyday, quietly for no reason.
I love you baby boy. You will always be part of our family. I hope we know each other in heaven one day. I hope God has told you that we loved you and wanted you and that your life had profound purpose.
Serving a kind God
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Today I was reminded of what a kind and compassionate God I serve. Last night I had a dream that Isaiah was brought to me. It was a really weird and confusing dream but what I remember is that there were several situations in which unexpectedly a little baby was brought to me or I found him. It was one of those dreams where your mind keeps coming up with different scenarios searching for a different outcome. All I remember is that with each scenario there was a newborn baby given to me.
This morning before the kids were up I took some time (still half asleep when I started) to read my Bible and pray. I prayed as always for Isaiah and for his mother. As I prayed I told God how discouraged I was by the whole adoption process. I felt like nothing was happening and like I was in this alone. I asked God to show me if I had missed a step or made any wrong decisions. I told Him I needed some encouragement and confirmation that it was indeed Him that called me to this journey. As I talked to God I said, "If you would just somehow show me today that you are still in this and that it is indeed you that called me to this. Even if it is that you let something that I'm trying to sell sell... like that DV video walkman I'm trying to sell..." This piece of equipment is the most expensive thing I have tried to sell in order to raise money for the adoption.
I prayed for a few minutes more and then after I was done and before I got the kids up I grabbed my iphone and checked my email (am I the only one with this compulsive habit?). I could not believe it when there, at the top of my inbox was a notice from 5 minutes earlier saying I had sold the DV video walkman I had specifically mentioned in my prayer. At the same time that I was praying the equipment had sold! And now that I think of it was bought at 8:50 am from someone in California which means that they had actually bought it at 5:50am (not that that's important but it seems like the purchase was either the first thing the person did when they woke up or seeing as they are probably an video editor maybe the last thing before they went to bed.)
Be encouraged, there is a God that loves us and hears us when we pray- even when we whine.
This morning before the kids were up I took some time (still half asleep when I started) to read my Bible and pray. I prayed as always for Isaiah and for his mother. As I prayed I told God how discouraged I was by the whole adoption process. I felt like nothing was happening and like I was in this alone. I asked God to show me if I had missed a step or made any wrong decisions. I told Him I needed some encouragement and confirmation that it was indeed Him that called me to this journey. As I talked to God I said, "If you would just somehow show me today that you are still in this and that it is indeed you that called me to this. Even if it is that you let something that I'm trying to sell sell... like that DV video walkman I'm trying to sell..." This piece of equipment is the most expensive thing I have tried to sell in order to raise money for the adoption.
I prayed for a few minutes more and then after I was done and before I got the kids up I grabbed my iphone and checked my email (am I the only one with this compulsive habit?). I could not believe it when there, at the top of my inbox was a notice from 5 minutes earlier saying I had sold the DV video walkman I had specifically mentioned in my prayer. At the same time that I was praying the equipment had sold! And now that I think of it was bought at 8:50 am from someone in California which means that they had actually bought it at 5:50am (not that that's important but it seems like the purchase was either the first thing the person did when they woke up or seeing as they are probably an video editor maybe the last thing before they went to bed.)
Be encouraged, there is a God that loves us and hears us when we pray- even when we whine.
Referral Service
Monday, March 25, 2013
After much praying and Google searching we have come up with a plan B. It is common for adoptive families to switch agencies or go with several agencies to increase their chances of being matched more quickly. However Sam and I have wanted to be very careful with our resources. I called one agency to inquire and they wanted $16,000 just to sign on with them- Pass!
What I came upon after a million hours of research is that there are a few non-agencies called referral services that are basically a husband and wife or adoptive mom that has formed close relationships with adoption agencies and attorneys and when the agencies can't find a match from within their client list they tell these referral services about the situations that still need adoptive families. They then pass on these situations to people like me.
Basically instead of being exposed to situations that one agency is aware of we theoretically should be dealing with situations from 10-30 agencies and lawyers. In case you are wondering we have not heard from our agency since December. I don't think they are being negligent, I just don't think there has been any situations they think would be right for us or they have shown birth-mothers our profile and they said no way.
Besides having access to a wider amount of resources and areas the best thing about these referral services is that the upfront commitment to start being exposed to any situations is so small. Basically how it works is this:
- You fill out a basic application, send your completed home study write up, and send your "Dear Birth-mother" profile.
- Referral Service charges $100 to put you in their database and start trying to match you.
- As the referral service is presented with situations that fit what you have said you are open to (Gender, race, handicaps, age...) they send you an email with the details of the situation. The email might say something like: "Caucasian baby girl due 5/19/13. No known use of drugs. Mother reports mild use of alcohol early in pregnancy. Mother requests photos, letters, and once a year visits after placement. Expected budget $30,000."
- If they send us a situation that we are interested in we can then reply and say that we would like our profile shown to the mother.
- The referral service would then overnight our profile to the mother.
-If she said yes to us then we would have to enter into an agreement with the lawyer or agency that was representing her.
- At this time we would also pay the referral service an additional $1,400 for successfully matching us.
- If the placement fell through because the mother changed her mind the referral service would continue to try to match us without charging any additional fees. However, depending on the agency we could loose any money we had to pay them or be bound to use them for the next match attempt.
It will be interesting to see how this works and how long it takes for us to even be presented with any situations. It will also be very very interesting to see which of these avenues end up leading us to Isaiah. We are going to sign up with the three services that I have ready incredibly positive things about. The great thing is that if they don't match us we don't pay so it really doesn't hurt to sign up with a few. I would honestly love for our main agency to be the one that matches us because I really like them and we wouldn't have to travel out of state but... we will see.
What I came upon after a million hours of research is that there are a few non-agencies called referral services that are basically a husband and wife or adoptive mom that has formed close relationships with adoption agencies and attorneys and when the agencies can't find a match from within their client list they tell these referral services about the situations that still need adoptive families. They then pass on these situations to people like me.
Basically instead of being exposed to situations that one agency is aware of we theoretically should be dealing with situations from 10-30 agencies and lawyers. In case you are wondering we have not heard from our agency since December. I don't think they are being negligent, I just don't think there has been any situations they think would be right for us or they have shown birth-mothers our profile and they said no way.
Besides having access to a wider amount of resources and areas the best thing about these referral services is that the upfront commitment to start being exposed to any situations is so small. Basically how it works is this:
- You fill out a basic application, send your completed home study write up, and send your "Dear Birth-mother" profile.
- Referral Service charges $100 to put you in their database and start trying to match you.
- As the referral service is presented with situations that fit what you have said you are open to (Gender, race, handicaps, age...) they send you an email with the details of the situation. The email might say something like: "Caucasian baby girl due 5/19/13. No known use of drugs. Mother reports mild use of alcohol early in pregnancy. Mother requests photos, letters, and once a year visits after placement. Expected budget $30,000."
- If they send us a situation that we are interested in we can then reply and say that we would like our profile shown to the mother.
- The referral service would then overnight our profile to the mother.
-If she said yes to us then we would have to enter into an agreement with the lawyer or agency that was representing her.
- At this time we would also pay the referral service an additional $1,400 for successfully matching us.
- If the placement fell through because the mother changed her mind the referral service would continue to try to match us without charging any additional fees. However, depending on the agency we could loose any money we had to pay them or be bound to use them for the next match attempt.
It will be interesting to see how this works and how long it takes for us to even be presented with any situations. It will also be very very interesting to see which of these avenues end up leading us to Isaiah. We are going to sign up with the three services that I have ready incredibly positive things about. The great thing is that if they don't match us we don't pay so it really doesn't hurt to sign up with a few. I would honestly love for our main agency to be the one that matches us because I really like them and we wouldn't have to travel out of state but... we will see.
All Churned Up Inside
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Lately I've been feeling all churned up inside about the adoption. I was feeling at total peace with everything and then.... eeehhhh not so much. I don't have a bad feeling about it- not one bit. I LOVE our agency but I'm starting to wonder if it was supposed to be more of a place holder to keep us getting matched before we should.
When I signed on with our agency I did so knowing that they only completed 20 adoptions a year AND that the vast majority were Caucasian adoptions due the agencies location AND that as another agency so kindly put it- not an attractive family for an African American expectant mom to choose. I chose to go with them anyway because it felt right and to not do so felt very wrong.
So now I have this new feeling that something is going to happen or needs to happen or change. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's because of the craziness of last week. Maybe I'm just impatient. Regardless I've logged quite a few hours on the 'ole intranet researching different agencies and avenues. Sam feels it would be ok for us to have a plan B we could pursue starting next week but he doesn't want to have a Plan C or D.
With domestic adoption it is not uncommon to cast your net wider by signing with several agencies or avenues. I did not know this until recently. To just sign up with another agency would be pretty expensive and risky so unless we find the perfect situation or feel led we probably won't just pick another agency. I did through the research find two interesting options:
1. Referral Services- I found three different referral services with good reputations. How these work is that families that have already gotten their homestudy can sign up with a referral service for a very small fee ($100). The referral services have contacts with attorneys and agencies and so when the agencies and attorneys can't find a home for one the soon to be born babies among their pool of waiting families they then tell the referral service who shares he situations with people that have signed up. I had no idea this existed and think it sounds very promising as there is such a low up front commitment. If you're not matched you only lose $100, whereas some agencies ask for as much as $16,000 just to sign on with them! No way....
2. An adoption lawyer. The adoption lawyer that I have spoken to is so nice and highly regarded by those who use her but the down side is that you have to pay their hourly fee and so if the adoption ends up falling through you are out all the money you paid them and have to start from zero. The people I know that used this lawyer swear by the process but it still scares me a bit.
So.... I've written three referral services explaining our situation and asking if they think we would be a good match and I've also emailed about 5 other agencies that are known for African American adoptions to introduce ourselves and kind of say "Hey, if you can't match one of your situations using the pool of waiting families you have please remember us:)"
Who knows how this will all turn out. The deeper I get into this the more confused I get. Please pray for clarity and direction for Sam and I and that God's will be done.
When I signed on with our agency I did so knowing that they only completed 20 adoptions a year AND that the vast majority were Caucasian adoptions due the agencies location AND that as another agency so kindly put it- not an attractive family for an African American expectant mom to choose. I chose to go with them anyway because it felt right and to not do so felt very wrong.
So now I have this new feeling that something is going to happen or needs to happen or change. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's because of the craziness of last week. Maybe I'm just impatient. Regardless I've logged quite a few hours on the 'ole intranet researching different agencies and avenues. Sam feels it would be ok for us to have a plan B we could pursue starting next week but he doesn't want to have a Plan C or D.
With domestic adoption it is not uncommon to cast your net wider by signing with several agencies or avenues. I did not know this until recently. To just sign up with another agency would be pretty expensive and risky so unless we find the perfect situation or feel led we probably won't just pick another agency. I did through the research find two interesting options:
1. Referral Services- I found three different referral services with good reputations. How these work is that families that have already gotten their homestudy can sign up with a referral service for a very small fee ($100). The referral services have contacts with attorneys and agencies and so when the agencies and attorneys can't find a home for one the soon to be born babies among their pool of waiting families they then tell the referral service who shares he situations with people that have signed up. I had no idea this existed and think it sounds very promising as there is such a low up front commitment. If you're not matched you only lose $100, whereas some agencies ask for as much as $16,000 just to sign on with them! No way....
2. An adoption lawyer. The adoption lawyer that I have spoken to is so nice and highly regarded by those who use her but the down side is that you have to pay their hourly fee and so if the adoption ends up falling through you are out all the money you paid them and have to start from zero. The people I know that used this lawyer swear by the process but it still scares me a bit.
So.... I've written three referral services explaining our situation and asking if they think we would be a good match and I've also emailed about 5 other agencies that are known for African American adoptions to introduce ourselves and kind of say "Hey, if you can't match one of your situations using the pool of waiting families you have please remember us:)"
Who knows how this will all turn out. The deeper I get into this the more confused I get. Please pray for clarity and direction for Sam and I and that God's will be done.
BOOM
Friday, March 22, 2013
Oh MY!!!! What a week! For those of you who don't know last week we noticed that over three thousand dollars was missing from our bank account. I had just paid the bills- minus the mortgage and everything was waiting to come out and then BOOM our account drops to $200. Two huge purchases were made online. The next day we notice that all of our emails from one of our email accounts were being forwarded to someone else and in the trash their receipts for three purchases totally over five thousand dollars.
Things continued to get worse as all of our email accounts were somehow hacked into. I am now getting fake emails from all of my good friends and they even set up a fake email address using Sam's dad's name.... They changed the address in our Amazon account, the fraud alert number in our PayPal account, got into our laptop and phone via our icloud account.... Between a wedding day, Sam's schedule, and church we couldn't keep up.
I do have to say that I am proud of ourselves. Our twenty something butts would have been playing the "Why me?" "This is so unfair." card 'till the cows went home. At a much more weathered 30-something I viewed the situation differently- this is life- this is how it goes... if it's not a stolen identity it's a moldy broken freezer (next on my list to deal with), a van door that falls off on to you when you open it (still need to fix that too), or some other obnoxious or devastating trial. Life is not fair, it's hard! I was proud that we held it together but SUPER ticked off that our time was stolen from us.
Did I mention this all happened on the day our studio manager of three years had her last day of work with us? Ok, maybe I want a little sympathy for that bad timing- she was like my second brain, arms, hands.....
I must admit that this type of thing can make a trusting open person turn super duper paranoid quickly. I have been afraid to post anything on this blog or FB since. I know this might seem too "spiritual" for some but I feel like this whole ordeal was a spiritual attack. Just when we had almost raised all the money we needed for the adoption and received the last matching grant- BAM our money gets stolen and everything flips upside down- not to mention it has made me question being so vulnerable in such a exposed arena.
We are now on the mend- there is still a lot to do/un-do but we are trying not to obsess and freak out. Above all I am SO thankful that my identity can never truly be stolen. My identity is found only in Jesus Christ. I am a follower of Christ and a child of God. That can never be stolen from me.
****I want to assure those who have given or plan on giving that none of the money donated was touched and that all donations are now being sent through Lifesong for Orphans anyway.
P.S. Change your passwords!!!! Lock your wifi!!!!!! Never work at Starbucks on a laptop!!!!!
Things continued to get worse as all of our email accounts were somehow hacked into. I am now getting fake emails from all of my good friends and they even set up a fake email address using Sam's dad's name.... They changed the address in our Amazon account, the fraud alert number in our PayPal account, got into our laptop and phone via our icloud account.... Between a wedding day, Sam's schedule, and church we couldn't keep up.
I do have to say that I am proud of ourselves. Our twenty something butts would have been playing the "Why me?" "This is so unfair." card 'till the cows went home. At a much more weathered 30-something I viewed the situation differently- this is life- this is how it goes... if it's not a stolen identity it's a moldy broken freezer (next on my list to deal with), a van door that falls off on to you when you open it (still need to fix that too), or some other obnoxious or devastating trial. Life is not fair, it's hard! I was proud that we held it together but SUPER ticked off that our time was stolen from us.
Did I mention this all happened on the day our studio manager of three years had her last day of work with us? Ok, maybe I want a little sympathy for that bad timing- she was like my second brain, arms, hands.....
I must admit that this type of thing can make a trusting open person turn super duper paranoid quickly. I have been afraid to post anything on this blog or FB since. I know this might seem too "spiritual" for some but I feel like this whole ordeal was a spiritual attack. Just when we had almost raised all the money we needed for the adoption and received the last matching grant- BAM our money gets stolen and everything flips upside down- not to mention it has made me question being so vulnerable in such a exposed arena.
We are now on the mend- there is still a lot to do/un-do but we are trying not to obsess and freak out. Above all I am SO thankful that my identity can never truly be stolen. My identity is found only in Jesus Christ. I am a follower of Christ and a child of God. That can never be stolen from me.
****I want to assure those who have given or plan on giving that none of the money donated was touched and that all donations are now being sent through Lifesong for Orphans anyway.
P.S. Change your passwords!!!! Lock your wifi!!!!!! Never work at Starbucks on a laptop!!!!!
Matching Grant- Lifesong for Orphans- Brockinton #3462 adoption
Thursday, March 14, 2013
I have to say I'm starting to think our baby boy is coming to us soon. I'm so blown away by what God is doing all at once. I got a call an hour ago from Lifesong for Orphans saying they are offering us a $2,500 matching grant. You are all probably wondering "What's with the matching donations?"
Believe me, I wish these are just outright donations or grants. We are not allowed to give towards them ourselves. This increases the incredibly uncomfortable feeling of talking about money. From what I am told they structure the gifts this way because it allows the process of adoption and God providing to be more public and invites others into your journey. It makes sense but the last thing I want to do is become that person that makes everyone feel uncomfortable so then gets blocked from Facebook (ooohh...I just gave some of you a good idea:).
So...so that you know it's legit and in case you just dug up a treasure chest of money or found $20 in your laundry or want to give here's what Lifesong sent about the grant. And here's a donate button from them that goes straight to our designated fund that they hold onto and then pay the adoption agency. Our family number is #3462
Believe me, I wish these are just outright donations or grants. We are not allowed to give towards them ourselves. This increases the incredibly uncomfortable feeling of talking about money. From what I am told they structure the gifts this way because it allows the process of adoption and God providing to be more public and invites others into your journey. It makes sense but the last thing I want to do is become that person that makes everyone feel uncomfortable so then gets blocked from Facebook (ooohh...I just gave some of you a good idea:).
So...so that you know it's legit and in case you just dug up a treasure chest of money or found $20 in your laundry or want to give here's what Lifesong sent about the grant. And here's a donate button from them that goes straight to our designated fund that they hold onto and then pay the adoption agency. Our family number is #3462
Putting myself out there
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
This blog has been such an incredible blessing. It has also been difficult to be so exposed and vulnerable. I often feel alone and misunderstood because I feel everyone else has it together and I'm just holding it all together with bandaids and stickers. I want to write about our adoption journey for two main reasons:
1. I want others to feel less alone and less afraid. Adoption is a scary word to most people and if you tip your toe into it you'll find it is a vast ocean that can quickly make you feel scared and unprepared. I want you to be able to see where every dollar came from and we're all just people. For those who have begun to feel God's tug at their heart towards adoption and the call to care for the orphan I encourage you to pray about what God would have you do and then obey. Obedience will bring you blessings beyond belief. Do not act in fear and do not make excuses, just obey. Remember- adoption isn't for childless parents or families with a lot of money or things figured out- it's for parentless children.
2. I want to keep a journal of what's happening logistically and spiritually throughout this journey so that looking back the giant puzzle will make sense as an obvious picture.
There are two things that I have not wanted and do not want as a result of writing this blog:
1. I would ask that you don't too harshly judge me. I know I may say things that sound naive or opinionated or even uncompassionate. I don't mean to speak ever in judgement or as someone who has it all figured out. Please realize that I'm just a working mom trying to do her best. It is very hard and even embarrassing for me to be so open about my feelings, opinions, and actions. It's embarrassing for me to write about money too. I wish we just had some huge savings account and we could just magically end up with a baby one day but I don't think that is fare to those who also see finances as an obstacle to adopting. So, in other words- forgive me if I've ever said anything that struck a wrong chord with you and bare with me as I ramble through this maze.
2. I ask that you don't put me on a pedastool as someone doing some great thing. I've done nothing except write a blog and fill out some paper work. I haven't done anything difficult or heroic and I might not ever do so. I DO appreciate support but please don't praise me- praise God. If you really knew me you would realize what a mess I really am. I do however REALLY appreciate the support that has come in the form of encouraging messages or asking about how things are going and listening. I love to hear other people's adoption stories and I really love it when people share with me that God has started to move their hearts towards adoption.
If the readers of this blog could do one thing for us it would be to pray for us. Please pray for:
- The safety of Isaiah while he is in his mother's womb. That she wouldn't smoke, drink, do drugs, take pills. That she would also seek good medical care and eat well.
- That God would give Isaiah's mother a vision of our family in the same way that he gave me a vision of him.
-That God would guide Sam and I as well as Isaiah's mother to the same agency or person and that no silly agency rules could stop us being matched.
- That God would either help Sam and I to be patient in staying with the agency we are currently with or show us what agency or avenue we should switch to. Lately I've been wondering if our current agency was just a place holder to keep us from being matched to early or if we just need to be patient.
- That God would provide the remaining balance we need to receive the matching
1. I want others to feel less alone and less afraid. Adoption is a scary word to most people and if you tip your toe into it you'll find it is a vast ocean that can quickly make you feel scared and unprepared. I want you to be able to see where every dollar came from and we're all just people. For those who have begun to feel God's tug at their heart towards adoption and the call to care for the orphan I encourage you to pray about what God would have you do and then obey. Obedience will bring you blessings beyond belief. Do not act in fear and do not make excuses, just obey. Remember- adoption isn't for childless parents or families with a lot of money or things figured out- it's for parentless children.
2. I want to keep a journal of what's happening logistically and spiritually throughout this journey so that looking back the giant puzzle will make sense as an obvious picture.
There are two things that I have not wanted and do not want as a result of writing this blog:
1. I would ask that you don't too harshly judge me. I know I may say things that sound naive or opinionated or even uncompassionate. I don't mean to speak ever in judgement or as someone who has it all figured out. Please realize that I'm just a working mom trying to do her best. It is very hard and even embarrassing for me to be so open about my feelings, opinions, and actions. It's embarrassing for me to write about money too. I wish we just had some huge savings account and we could just magically end up with a baby one day but I don't think that is fare to those who also see finances as an obstacle to adopting. So, in other words- forgive me if I've ever said anything that struck a wrong chord with you and bare with me as I ramble through this maze.
2. I ask that you don't put me on a pedastool as someone doing some great thing. I've done nothing except write a blog and fill out some paper work. I haven't done anything difficult or heroic and I might not ever do so. I DO appreciate support but please don't praise me- praise God. If you really knew me you would realize what a mess I really am. I do however REALLY appreciate the support that has come in the form of encouraging messages or asking about how things are going and listening. I love to hear other people's adoption stories and I really love it when people share with me that God has started to move their hearts towards adoption.
If the readers of this blog could do one thing for us it would be to pray for us. Please pray for:
- The safety of Isaiah while he is in his mother's womb. That she wouldn't smoke, drink, do drugs, take pills. That she would also seek good medical care and eat well.
- That God would give Isaiah's mother a vision of our family in the same way that he gave me a vision of him.
-That God would guide Sam and I as well as Isaiah's mother to the same agency or person and that no silly agency rules could stop us being matched.
- That God would either help Sam and I to be patient in staying with the agency we are currently with or show us what agency or avenue we should switch to. Lately I've been wondering if our current agency was just a place holder to keep us from being matched to early or if we just need to be patient.
- That God would provide the remaining balance we need to receive the matching
Grateful Hearts
Sunday, March 10, 2013
God has given us so much.
We are so blessed and so grateful.
Despite the tornado path that is our house, the Amazon rain forest that
is our yard and the incredible stress we maneuver every day, we have so much in
which to be grateful.
Ashley and
I hold a high value on relationships, experience and learning. We feel like God teaches us the most when we
are walking with other people and sharing our lives with them, when we are
doing something new and exciting and when we are humbling ourselves to
leaa ICU RN, I’ve had my share of days where I just
wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
This
adoption journey is no different. It’s
just another chance to see God show up and do amazing things. He already has and He will continue to do
them. Not because He has to for us or
even because He wants to; it’s his Nature.
It’s his Personality. One of the
most amazing things in Scripture to me is that when Moses is frustrated and
says but when the people ask me, “Who sent you? What is his Name?” God said you are to tell them YHWH sent
you. We translate it I AM WHO I AM. He
tells Moses to tell the people, “I AM sent you…” Phillip Yancey in The Jesus I Never Knew talks about that
statement and then how God fulfills it throughout Scripture. Yancey describes it as a blank check. I AM YOUR ROCK, I AM YOUR SHELTER, I AM YOUR
PROVIDER, I AM YOUR DELIVERER, I AM YOUR SAVIOR, I AM YOUR DAILY BREAD. I AM
__________________. I AM ALL THAT YOU
NEED. He is the meaning of existing on
this earth. I don’t think God provided
because He had to or even because He wanted to (although, I’m pretty certain He
enjoyed it), I think He provided because it’s in His nature. The Jewish people had and have many names for
God. One seems especially appropriate
today, Jehovah Jireh, the Lord Will Provide.
This term is first used when Abraham is called to sacrifice Isaac and
God provides a ram for the sacrifice instead of Isaac. It took a lot of faith and trust for Abraham
to make that trip; I can’t imagine what was going through his head. Ashley and I long to do something amazing and
different; we don’t want our lives to be explainable without God’s work. We long to change the world or be a part of
something bigger than ourselves – leave a legacy. It doesn’t start by doing amazing things; it
starts by doing ordinary things like saying yes to something big when you don’t
know how God is going to answer or how it’s going to end up. Forget being ready or qualified. Very few people that we would say are heroes
of faith had much to offer to the world.
We miss this sometimes but Jesus picked mostly leftovers as his
disciples. If they were the cream of the
crop, they would have been chosen to study with another rabbi. To be honest, four were backwoods fishermen.
Ashley and I have what we need, but we aren’t
“financially stable.” We have two cars
with over 100,000 miles and 1,000 dents, we have appliances from the last
millenium and we have at least 14 loads of laundry that need to be washed. We
aren’t “ready” or “able”, just willing.
I pray that we continue to be willing and that you who are following our
journey would be willing too.
We
are so grateful to you all who gave; our hearts and lives are overwhelmed with
joy in this moment. We pray that God
would provide and bless you in thousands of ways in which you could have never
imagined. In other words, we hope that your life isn’t explainable without
God’s work in it… - Sam
The stuff that can happen in 15 hours
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Yesterday I found myself on the floor weeping and praising God. In such a small amount of time God showed His "realness" to me so vividly.
As I mentioned in my last post an anonymous donor from our church has offered to give $4,000 towards our adoption costs if we can find friends and family that are willing to give a matching $4,000. I like lists so I'm going to explain what happened in a pseudo-list form:
- Tuesday night I wrote a post about the need for the match.
- By Wednesday around noon friends and strangers had given $2,025
- Around the same time I get a text from my father in law saying the finished their taxes and were going to donate their $500 tax return.
- As I'm texting him back to thank him I see an email come in and open it and it is from a grant that I applied for saying they are sending a check for $1,000.
- As I am getting ready for the day the phone rings and it is another grant organization saying they are pushing our application ahead (it was supposed to take 6 more weeks to process) and need to ask me some questions. At this point I'm so overwhelmed with how much is happening so quickly that I just blabbed and blabbed on the phone and probably talked my way out of any financial assistance:) We won't find out on that one for another 3 weeks.
- Some one from craigslist contacted me about buying an old stroller and I made $30.
So...... what this all means financially is that we only need friends and family to give $1,475 more to be able to receive the matching donation AND.....
That a little over a week ago the amount we still needed for the adoption was $17,415 AND....
NOW (IF people donate the $1,475) we will only NEED $7,535!!!!!
What I've learned so far
I've learned a lot of things but a few stick out:
1. God loves each of us SO much. He loves my future son so much that he would call upon all of His resources at the same time to provide the money to redeem his life. God loves all of us that much and He paid the ultimate price for all of us when he allowed His son to die for our sins. Jesus IS alive and He is working.
2. I'm understanding better what the Bible means when it says, "The first shall be last and the last shall be first." (Mat 20:16) I always thought that it kind of meant that Christians and those that lead sacrificial lives got the raw end of the deal here on earth. What I have seen through the people that have given is that maybe it means that those who the world see's as being "the last" will be the first to step up and give back to God and others.
I'd like to give you a profile of the type of people that gave and gave the most:
- The pastor and his wife with three young kids.
- The mother of 9.
- 3 of the daughters of the mother of 9.
- The young family with two kids living in an over priced area and struggling financially as the mom chose to homeschool while also pursuing gradschool.
- The 1 income young family with 4 kids- the dad having medical issues.
- The stranger I've never met.
- The woman I've met once.
- The newlyweds who were the first to give months ago before I ever asked and have committed $50 a month.
- The 1 income homeschooling, college attending, family of 4.
These people have already changed me. They have been Jesus to me, my family, and my precious baby boy I will someday call Son. These people have exposed my own selfish heart- the heart that always thinks that "Somebody else is in a better position to give." Because of God's genorosity and love through them I want to be better- more open handed- and to change my thoughts to "Maybe no one else will give." This is not a message to those that have not given but a "Thank You" to those that have, a "Thank You" to God, and a reminder to myself for the future of the type of person I need to be.
As I mentioned in my last post an anonymous donor from our church has offered to give $4,000 towards our adoption costs if we can find friends and family that are willing to give a matching $4,000. I like lists so I'm going to explain what happened in a pseudo-list form:
- Tuesday night I wrote a post about the need for the match.
- By Wednesday around noon friends and strangers had given $2,025
- Around the same time I get a text from my father in law saying the finished their taxes and were going to donate their $500 tax return.
- As I'm texting him back to thank him I see an email come in and open it and it is from a grant that I applied for saying they are sending a check for $1,000.
- As I am getting ready for the day the phone rings and it is another grant organization saying they are pushing our application ahead (it was supposed to take 6 more weeks to process) and need to ask me some questions. At this point I'm so overwhelmed with how much is happening so quickly that I just blabbed and blabbed on the phone and probably talked my way out of any financial assistance:) We won't find out on that one for another 3 weeks.
- Some one from craigslist contacted me about buying an old stroller and I made $30.
So...... what this all means financially is that we only need friends and family to give $1,475 more to be able to receive the matching donation AND.....
That a little over a week ago the amount we still needed for the adoption was $17,415 AND....
NOW (IF people donate the $1,475) we will only NEED $7,535!!!!!
What I've learned so far
I've learned a lot of things but a few stick out:
1. God loves each of us SO much. He loves my future son so much that he would call upon all of His resources at the same time to provide the money to redeem his life. God loves all of us that much and He paid the ultimate price for all of us when he allowed His son to die for our sins. Jesus IS alive and He is working.
2. I'm understanding better what the Bible means when it says, "The first shall be last and the last shall be first." (Mat 20:16) I always thought that it kind of meant that Christians and those that lead sacrificial lives got the raw end of the deal here on earth. What I have seen through the people that have given is that maybe it means that those who the world see's as being "the last" will be the first to step up and give back to God and others.
I'd like to give you a profile of the type of people that gave and gave the most:
- The pastor and his wife with three young kids.
- The mother of 9.
- 3 of the daughters of the mother of 9.
- The young family with two kids living in an over priced area and struggling financially as the mom chose to homeschool while also pursuing gradschool.
- The 1 income young family with 4 kids- the dad having medical issues.
- The stranger I've never met.
- The woman I've met once.
- The newlyweds who were the first to give months ago before I ever asked and have committed $50 a month.
- The 1 income homeschooling, college attending, family of 4.
These people have already changed me. They have been Jesus to me, my family, and my precious baby boy I will someday call Son. These people have exposed my own selfish heart- the heart that always thinks that "Somebody else is in a better position to give." Because of God's genorosity and love through them I want to be better- more open handed- and to change my thoughts to "Maybe no one else will give." This is not a message to those that have not given but a "Thank You" to those that have, a "Thank You" to God, and a reminder to myself for the future of the type of person I need to be.
$4,000 donated IF we can match it.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
I have very exciting news.... Sunday at church one of the Elders at our church that I had talked to a couple of months ago about our adoption told me two very exciting things:
1. That they church would allow me to produce to videos about adoption to be shown later this year during National Adoption Month.
2. That someone at the church was anonymously donating $4,000 to our adoption fund IF friends and family would help us raise a matching $4,000!
So now comes the part when I want to throw up in my mouth... Would you all prayerfully consider giving towards this matching gift? There's a Paypal donation button to the right on our page you can give through.
I want you to know that this is pretty much the most humiliating and awkward thing I can imagine doing because I don't want people to feel like this is their responsibility and to give out of guilt. However, if adoption is something that you believe in and you would like to be part of it by giving to Isaiah's adoption fund I humbly thank you with all my heart for being part of this story.
P.S. I'll keep a running count here on this page and also on the "fundraising" page at the top.
GOAL $4,000
3/4- $100 given from M & S
3/5 - $50 given from Z & A
3/5 -$100 given from R
3/5 $200 given via blog link from the C family
3/5- $15 from L
3/5- $500 from J&K
3/6- $1,000 given from L & L
3/6 $50 given from T & M
3/6 $10 from C
3/6 $500 form J & W
3/8 $25 from R&K
3/9/ $25 from M&R
3/9 $50 from PF
3/12 $10 from SH
3/12 $20 from the H family
3/12 $200 from the P family
3/13 $500 from K & J
3/14 $50 from M&R
3/14 $50 from JB
3/14 $50 from K
As of 3/14 we need: $495 to receive the match
1. That they church would allow me to produce to videos about adoption to be shown later this year during National Adoption Month.
2. That someone at the church was anonymously donating $4,000 to our adoption fund IF friends and family would help us raise a matching $4,000!
So now comes the part when I want to throw up in my mouth... Would you all prayerfully consider giving towards this matching gift? There's a Paypal donation button to the right on our page you can give through.
I want you to know that this is pretty much the most humiliating and awkward thing I can imagine doing because I don't want people to feel like this is their responsibility and to give out of guilt. However, if adoption is something that you believe in and you would like to be part of it by giving to Isaiah's adoption fund I humbly thank you with all my heart for being part of this story.
P.S. I'll keep a running count here on this page and also on the "fundraising" page at the top.
GOAL $4,000
3/4- $100 given from M & S
3/5 - $50 given from Z & A
3/5 -$100 given from R
3/5 $200 given via blog link from the C family
3/5- $15 from L
3/5- $500 from J&K
3/6- $1,000 given from L & L
3/6 $50 given from T & M
3/6 $10 from C
3/6 $500 form J & W
3/8 $25 from R&K
3/9/ $25 from M&R
3/9 $50 from PF
3/12 $10 from SH
3/12 $20 from the H family
3/12 $200 from the P family
3/13 $500 from K & J
3/14 $50 from M&R
3/14 $50 from JB
3/14 $50 from K
As of 3/14 we need: $495 to receive the match
Super Duper Cool Adoption Resource
Sunday, March 3, 2013
This is too neat... Someone awesome told me about this site/ministry called Loving Shepherd Ministries that has an online assessment you fill out and then about a week later they will send suggest what types of adoption might be best for your situation and then give you a list of the agencies that would also be best for you. Too cool!
This is great because I've had a lot of conversations with people that tell me they would like to adopt but they can't because: their too young, too old, not married, haven't been married long enough, their kids are too young, they have a strange situation... I have a feeling that by using this assessment a lot of those doubts will be assuaged.
I'm kind of bummed out that I'm just now finding out about this because doing the random research on your own is not fun but I am going to continue to trust that we are with the right agency- at least for now.
If you are considering adoption and don't know where to start go here: http://loving-shepherd.org/sponsor-adoptive-family/adoption-assessment-forms.html
This is great because I've had a lot of conversations with people that tell me they would like to adopt but they can't because: their too young, too old, not married, haven't been married long enough, their kids are too young, they have a strange situation... I have a feeling that by using this assessment a lot of those doubts will be assuaged.
I'm kind of bummed out that I'm just now finding out about this because doing the random research on your own is not fun but I am going to continue to trust that we are with the right agency- at least for now.
If you are considering adoption and don't know where to start go here: http://loving-shepherd.org/sponsor-adoptive-family/adoption-assessment-forms.html
We broke the $10k mark!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
I was able to just put another $100 out our own paycheck into our adoption savings and when I was updating the numbers I saw that we have officially been able to save $10,000 for our adoption. I am honestly blown away. To have started at zero in September and felt that $26,000 was such a big number that it made us actually question if we should follow through with God had called us to seems silly now. I know he will provide the rest. I don't know how but he will.
I would love to be able to sell a ton of stuff we have and will continue to try. So far that has been slow and I have only sold very small items but as I mentioned in my last post I think God is really showing me a lot of himself through those little sales.
I would love to be able to sell a ton of stuff we have and will continue to try. So far that has been slow and I have only sold very small items but as I mentioned in my last post I think God is really showing me a lot of himself through those little sales.
The money I didn't earn
Sunday, February 24, 2013
I have been so blown away how God has worked so far to provide money for the adoption and to encourage me that he is a God that is alive and working. There is a story in the Bible in which a rich young ruler comes to Jesus and asks what he must do to inherit eternal life. Jesus tells him that he must sell all he has and give to the poor and then he will have treasure in Heaven and to come follow him.
God is showing me more and more why He said that to the rich man. I don't think God was trying to just test him or wanting him to become part of some type of socialist utopia where everything is equal. I believe now that God wanted to bless him and he knew that in order to show his sufficiency and blessings that the man needed to fully depend on God.
I have begun to try to sell anything and everything I have. Spare 2-3 pieces of sentimental jewelry that my family has given me and our work equipment, I am willing to sell it all. This is probably because we don't really own anything of value. I've been trying to sell old equipment, electronics, film cameras, clothes, bread makers, books.... I've tried Amazon, Craigslist, Poshmark, Online Yardsales.... and I've only sold three things. Each of the things had the least possible value to me and cost the least and yet God has blessed me through them. The three things:
1. A dress- I sold one dress. The dress was a dress my mom gave me because it didn't fit her right and although I liked it I paid nothing for it. A friend from middle school saw it online and instead of paying the $20 I asked for it she sent me $50.
2. A bathroom cabinet. We had to buy a replacement part for our bathroom sink off of Craigslist last year and the guy we bought it from gave us a random bathroom cabinet for free. It's been sitting around the house since. I sold it on Craigslist for $15. When I went to meet the stranger that wanted it she said her husband was inside {Wendy's} getting change. While we waited I thanked her and told her we were using the money for our adoption. When she brought back the money from her husband she gave us an extra $10 and told me that every time she used opened the cabinet she would pray for me. I asked her to pray for Isaiah. Forget the money- a complete stranger just committed to praying for my baby boy every time she reached for this cabinet!
3. I sold a photography book about family portrait posing that was sitting in our closet. I sold it for $20. When I went to ship it I used one of the automated postage machines at the post office. The post office was closing and I had all three kids with me and I remember being hurried. Two weeks later when I was selling the dress I sold and going through the same process I had the sinking feeling that I had forgotten to write the address on the envelope for the book I had sent! What an idiot I am! Seriously, I sent a package with no address or return address.
Mortified, I emailed the lady who bought and apologized profusely. Not only was she amazingly kind and understanding but she told me to not refund her and keep the money... for the book she would never receive! I told her I only sold the book in the first place to raise money for the adoption. She wrote back telling me she had family members that had adopted and that she would be praying for us.
So, after just these small encounters I get it a little more. God wants us to be willing to sell everything we have to give to the poor not because He needs our money but so he can show us just how amazing He is. Monetarily, God took the $35 I earned and turned it into $95. More importantly I know that I am not alone, he brought strangers into my life that encouraged me and committed to praying for us. God has shown me that He will provide financially but I am even more thankful for the blessing of seeing His character and love at work in others. I am going to continue to pray that God would help me sell our things AND that I would remember to write the addresses on the packages from now on!
God is showing me more and more why He said that to the rich man. I don't think God was trying to just test him or wanting him to become part of some type of socialist utopia where everything is equal. I believe now that God wanted to bless him and he knew that in order to show his sufficiency and blessings that the man needed to fully depend on God.
I have begun to try to sell anything and everything I have. Spare 2-3 pieces of sentimental jewelry that my family has given me and our work equipment, I am willing to sell it all. This is probably because we don't really own anything of value. I've been trying to sell old equipment, electronics, film cameras, clothes, bread makers, books.... I've tried Amazon, Craigslist, Poshmark, Online Yardsales.... and I've only sold three things. Each of the things had the least possible value to me and cost the least and yet God has blessed me through them. The three things:
1. A dress- I sold one dress. The dress was a dress my mom gave me because it didn't fit her right and although I liked it I paid nothing for it. A friend from middle school saw it online and instead of paying the $20 I asked for it she sent me $50.
2. A bathroom cabinet. We had to buy a replacement part for our bathroom sink off of Craigslist last year and the guy we bought it from gave us a random bathroom cabinet for free. It's been sitting around the house since. I sold it on Craigslist for $15. When I went to meet the stranger that wanted it she said her husband was inside {Wendy's} getting change. While we waited I thanked her and told her we were using the money for our adoption. When she brought back the money from her husband she gave us an extra $10 and told me that every time she used opened the cabinet she would pray for me. I asked her to pray for Isaiah. Forget the money- a complete stranger just committed to praying for my baby boy every time she reached for this cabinet!
3. I sold a photography book about family portrait posing that was sitting in our closet. I sold it for $20. When I went to ship it I used one of the automated postage machines at the post office. The post office was closing and I had all three kids with me and I remember being hurried. Two weeks later when I was selling the dress I sold and going through the same process I had the sinking feeling that I had forgotten to write the address on the envelope for the book I had sent! What an idiot I am! Seriously, I sent a package with no address or return address.
Mortified, I emailed the lady who bought and apologized profusely. Not only was she amazingly kind and understanding but she told me to not refund her and keep the money... for the book she would never receive! I told her I only sold the book in the first place to raise money for the adoption. She wrote back telling me she had family members that had adopted and that she would be praying for us.
So, after just these small encounters I get it a little more. God wants us to be willing to sell everything we have to give to the poor not because He needs our money but so he can show us just how amazing He is. Monetarily, God took the $35 I earned and turned it into $95. More importantly I know that I am not alone, he brought strangers into my life that encouraged me and committed to praying for us. God has shown me that He will provide financially but I am even more thankful for the blessing of seeing His character and love at work in others. I am going to continue to pray that God would help me sell our things AND that I would remember to write the addresses on the packages from now on!
Juggling it all
Thursday, February 7, 2013
I've contemplated only talking about adoption on this blog but presently I'm just waiting... In my waiting I've realized I have no patience. In fact I prayed for patience the other day. Don't ever say that God doesn't answer prayer. In the same day I prayed for patience (keep in mind I'm having to homeschool and work):
- I woke up to an exploding dirty diaper.
- Liam painted our cabinets, his clothes, and our floor with white enamel paint.
- I locked the keys in the car while at the museum. Then while in the process of telling AAA where I was located my phone died. Ten minutes later the museum we were waiting inside closed and we were out in the parking lot for an hour.
The next day:
- Our oven started sparking and caught on fire so bad that we can't keep the stove and oven plugged in without it catching on fire.
- Our vacuum broke in the middle of our Labrador's shedding season and is now in the repair shop for two weeks.
- Our cell phones got shut off (apparently I didn't pay the bill; although I'm certain I did;)
- Liam found gold enamel paint and painted the wall, his clothes, and a bunch of other expensive things that are now ruined (I promise I don't just have paint laying around- this was well hidden and tucked away).
-I found out someone we know died.
On the first day I literally started crying after the exploding diaper (sheets, pillows, stuffed animals...) and paint incident. By the time I locked my keys in the car I was actually smiling. The Bible says
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1: 2-4
Although none of this stuff was earth shattering it was enough to knock me down and remind me that my life isn't about me or my plans. I have so much going on and so much I want to do. I have such a hard time finding balance. How can I live a peaceful and balanced life while still juggling all I've got going on? I think it's a lie that women can have it "all." I've had young women tell me they look up to me and how I can work and still be a mom. I want to shake them and say "No!!!! Not me, look at someone else. I'm a mess." What I'm doing and who I want to be are unfortunately a lot different and I feel like I've created a web I can't get out of. For anyone thinking I can do it all....this is more how it goes:
What I do:
-Photograph weddings
-Run a wedding photography business
-Run a portrait photography business
-Run a photo booth business
-Partner in creating an iPhone app
-Homeschool 2 kids
-Yell at 3 kids
-Write a blog about adoption
-Fill out adoption paperwork
-Try to sell stuff on craigslist to make money for our adoption (So far I've sold a book:/)
-Make very quick meals
-Watch 8 tv shows a week
-Read the Bible and pray
-Cut my own hair after researching it for an hour on Pinterest
-Whine
-Stress out about; money, our businesses, mean clients
-Work on the weekends
-Never see my husband- he's working 2 full time jobs (Nurse and photographer) and taking a full load of classes as he pursues another nursing degree
-Go to church on Sundays and a Bible study during the week
-Try to make a crazy plan of how we are going to save enough money to adopt a child and also put Sam through 5 more years of schooling without him having to work the last 3 years of school (he won't be allowed to)
What I don't do:
-80% of the work for the 3 businesses (We are blessed with the most amazing staff)
-Homeschool well
-Clean
-Laundry
-Cook fancy meals
-Be nice to my husband
-Be a good friend
-Go to play groups and other mommy things
-Have patients with my kids
-Exercise everyday
-Check my blog posts for grammatical errors...can ya tell?
What I want to do:
-Have one or zero jobs.
-Focus on being a good wife and mother.
-Have a clean house.
-Cook wonderful foods.
-Spend time as a family every night and weekend.
-Volunteer as a family more.
-Go on dates with my husband.
-Have a big (clean) house with as many more adopted children as God will give us (as well as our current rug rats of course).
-Not stress out.
-Have a steady paycheck.
-Give like crazy.
-Write thank you notes.
-Invite people to dinner.
-Be a better friend.
-Be peaceful.
-Not have to work every second my kids are asleep. Rest. Be.
-Be joyful.
Back to patience... I'm learning to be patient and joyfully endure the things that don't go my way without freaking out. My reality is that right now I have to work and I have to work a lot and that it can be stressful. I used to work for the hope that it would all someday pay off and I would be enabled to be the sweet-as-pie, care-free stay at home mom I wanted to be.
I'm starting to realize that this cause and effect belief I've been subconsciously adhering to might not be true. I may work soooo hard for so long and it may not pay off like I want it to. I'm starting to give up on the American dream and ask God what his plan for my life is- even if it doesn't involve a big clean house, no stress, and steady paycheck. All that glitters is not gold and all that is gold does not glitter.
- I woke up to an exploding dirty diaper.
- Liam painted our cabinets, his clothes, and our floor with white enamel paint.
- I locked the keys in the car while at the museum. Then while in the process of telling AAA where I was located my phone died. Ten minutes later the museum we were waiting inside closed and we were out in the parking lot for an hour.
The next day:
- Our oven started sparking and caught on fire so bad that we can't keep the stove and oven plugged in without it catching on fire.
- Our vacuum broke in the middle of our Labrador's shedding season and is now in the repair shop for two weeks.
- Our cell phones got shut off (apparently I didn't pay the bill; although I'm certain I did;)
- Liam found gold enamel paint and painted the wall, his clothes, and a bunch of other expensive things that are now ruined (I promise I don't just have paint laying around- this was well hidden and tucked away).
-I found out someone we know died.
On the first day I literally started crying after the exploding diaper (sheets, pillows, stuffed animals...) and paint incident. By the time I locked my keys in the car I was actually smiling. The Bible says
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1: 2-4
Although none of this stuff was earth shattering it was enough to knock me down and remind me that my life isn't about me or my plans. I have so much going on and so much I want to do. I have such a hard time finding balance. How can I live a peaceful and balanced life while still juggling all I've got going on? I think it's a lie that women can have it "all." I've had young women tell me they look up to me and how I can work and still be a mom. I want to shake them and say "No!!!! Not me, look at someone else. I'm a mess." What I'm doing and who I want to be are unfortunately a lot different and I feel like I've created a web I can't get out of. For anyone thinking I can do it all....this is more how it goes:
What I do:
-Photograph weddings
-Run a wedding photography business
-Run a portrait photography business
-Run a photo booth business
-Partner in creating an iPhone app
-Homeschool 2 kids
-Yell at 3 kids
-Write a blog about adoption
-Fill out adoption paperwork
-Try to sell stuff on craigslist to make money for our adoption (So far I've sold a book:/)
-Make very quick meals
-Watch 8 tv shows a week
-Read the Bible and pray
-Cut my own hair after researching it for an hour on Pinterest
-Whine
-Stress out about; money, our businesses, mean clients
-Work on the weekends
-Never see my husband- he's working 2 full time jobs (Nurse and photographer) and taking a full load of classes as he pursues another nursing degree
-Go to church on Sundays and a Bible study during the week
-Try to make a crazy plan of how we are going to save enough money to adopt a child and also put Sam through 5 more years of schooling without him having to work the last 3 years of school (he won't be allowed to)
What I don't do:
-80% of the work for the 3 businesses (We are blessed with the most amazing staff)
-Homeschool well
-Clean
-Laundry
-Cook fancy meals
-Be nice to my husband
-Be a good friend
-Go to play groups and other mommy things
-Have patients with my kids
-Exercise everyday
-Check my blog posts for grammatical errors...can ya tell?
What I want to do:
-Have one or zero jobs.
-Focus on being a good wife and mother.
-Have a clean house.
-Cook wonderful foods.
-Spend time as a family every night and weekend.
-Volunteer as a family more.
-Go on dates with my husband.
-Have a big (clean) house with as many more adopted children as God will give us (as well as our current rug rats of course).
-Not stress out.
-Have a steady paycheck.
-Give like crazy.
-Write thank you notes.
-Invite people to dinner.
-Be a better friend.
-Be peaceful.
-Not have to work every second my kids are asleep. Rest. Be.
-Be joyful.
Back to patience... I'm learning to be patient and joyfully endure the things that don't go my way without freaking out. My reality is that right now I have to work and I have to work a lot and that it can be stressful. I used to work for the hope that it would all someday pay off and I would be enabled to be the sweet-as-pie, care-free stay at home mom I wanted to be.
I'm starting to realize that this cause and effect belief I've been subconsciously adhering to might not be true. I may work soooo hard for so long and it may not pay off like I want it to. I'm starting to give up on the American dream and ask God what his plan for my life is- even if it doesn't involve a big clean house, no stress, and steady paycheck. All that glitters is not gold and all that is gold does not glitter.
We have a name. No baby-but a name:)
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Sam and I chose a name for our future son quite some time ago. There wasn't a list or any baby books this time. We just kind of felt like this was it. So we have a name, but no baby. Sometimes this feels like we're planning a pretend pregnancy. None the less we are daily praying for Isaiah and ask you to do the same when/if you think of him.
We pray for his safety and that his mother will stay far away from drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol and God will protect her from STDs and other diseases. We pray that she will not abort him. We pray that God will guide her to us. We pray that she will be cared for and come to know Christ's love for her. We beg God for Isaiah's wellbeing- that any mental illness or disease will not be passed on to him and that while in the womb God will heal any deformities or problems. We pray that God will prepare our children's hearts for a new brother (especially Liam who might be jealous) and that Isaiah would be a world changer (I pray this for all my kids). I pray for a special brotherly bond between Liam and Isaiah that together they would be men that would do great things for God and humanity.
40th Anniversary of Roe V. Wade
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of the Supreme Court decision allowing abortion to be legalized. I don't judge women who have had an abortion. That's not my place at all. I do hurt for them though. Seven years ago when I was still working in video I was hired to produce a piece about abortion. I recorded the accounts of four or five different women and their stories of having an abortion(s) and the pain it caused them both physically and emotionally.
If we are going to support a woman's choice to abort or not then I think it is only compassionate to try to understand the pain they will suffer alone for their whole life because of the decision. It's not a quick fix. It has huge long term consequences. Of course letting a child live and choosing adoption or to raise the baby is a long term choice too. In fact Jane Roe, the central figure in the notorious ruling, never actually had an abortion. She gave birth to the child and gave it up for adoption. Now she passionately defends unborn/pre-born life and is fighting to overturn the decision that bears her name.
As I was thinking about the issue of abortion these last few days there were times when my breath was taken away and I had to fight hard to keep the tears back. What if...the mother that is carrying my son chooses to abort him? I want him. I want him so badly. I believe that he is supposed to be part of our family and God made him for us. Do you know what it's like to have someone have the "right" to kill your child? I would a million times rather her choose to keep him and me live with out him knowing he is alive than her kill him. This is messed up stuff.
There are only four main differences between a newborn baby and a baby/fetus inside the womb:
Size:
Ok, I get that when they start out that they are microscopic. So.... Does this mean that those who are larger get to rule over those who are smaller? Are NBA framed men more human than petite women? What about the disfigured and those without limbs? Are they not wholly human? Are they just a blob of cells too? Who gave us the right to decide what a human looks like? The DNA is there....
Level of Development:
Do fetuses feel pain? Can they think? I don't know? Do you? Do you remember being a fetus? Or a newborn? Or a one year old? If we judge life by the level of development then once again we are judging the already born by their ability and development. There are people that have diseases where they can't feel pain. There are plenty of people with major brain abnormalities and retardation. What about my four year old daughter, is she less of a human because she is not fully developed as a woman yet? Here's one more, someone in a coma- they can't feel pain, aren't self aware and aren't thinking-do the families have the right to kill them (and I'm not talking taking someone off of a vent)?
Environment:
The argument exists that if a fetus can not survive outside of the womb then it is not viable-err not a human. Why again are we making these silly rules up? Fetuses are still breathing and using their lungs. They are still interacting with their mothers. What is it about the way an unborn child breathes and where it grows that devalues it's existence? Are astronauts in outer space not human? They can't survive in space outside their specialized gear. Could it be that just like the engineers who invented and designed the gear that allows them to survive in a place other than our normal habitat that there is a Heavenly designer that designed a system and protection for unborn children to grow and live safely in a place other than OUR normal habitat?
Degree of Dependency:
Once again there is an argument that an unborn fetus could not survive outside the mother's womb so it must not be "viable" or worthy of life. Of course the fetus is dependent on the mother and could not survive without her. An infant couldn't either. Or how about this, a friend who works at a hospital told me today about a man that had been doing therapy at the hospital: he is homeless, has no family, no friends, diabetes, one leg is amputated, he has no job, no money, he is an illegal alien.... forget being dependent on one person he is dependent on everyone and yet no one claims him. What happens to him when the hospital can't let him stay there any more. What happens when his diabetes claims another limb and he can't get insulin? Should someone kill him now because of the inevitable?
I know you may not agree with me and your desire to support a woman's rights may trump all, but please consider: first, the life long pain these woman will carry from their choice, second, the innocent lives being snuffed out because they weren't big enough, smart enough, and functional enough for societies taste, and lastly, women like me: women who want these children and believe it is in God's plan for them to adopt. You may think it's ok for them to kill their babies but please- realize that it might be my baby that they're killing.
If we are going to support a woman's choice to abort or not then I think it is only compassionate to try to understand the pain they will suffer alone for their whole life because of the decision. It's not a quick fix. It has huge long term consequences. Of course letting a child live and choosing adoption or to raise the baby is a long term choice too. In fact Jane Roe, the central figure in the notorious ruling, never actually had an abortion. She gave birth to the child and gave it up for adoption. Now she passionately defends unborn/pre-born life and is fighting to overturn the decision that bears her name.
As I was thinking about the issue of abortion these last few days there were times when my breath was taken away and I had to fight hard to keep the tears back. What if...the mother that is carrying my son chooses to abort him? I want him. I want him so badly. I believe that he is supposed to be part of our family and God made him for us. Do you know what it's like to have someone have the "right" to kill your child? I would a million times rather her choose to keep him and me live with out him knowing he is alive than her kill him. This is messed up stuff.
There are only four main differences between a newborn baby and a baby/fetus inside the womb:
Size:
Ok, I get that when they start out that they are microscopic. So.... Does this mean that those who are larger get to rule over those who are smaller? Are NBA framed men more human than petite women? What about the disfigured and those without limbs? Are they not wholly human? Are they just a blob of cells too? Who gave us the right to decide what a human looks like? The DNA is there....
Level of Development:
Do fetuses feel pain? Can they think? I don't know? Do you? Do you remember being a fetus? Or a newborn? Or a one year old? If we judge life by the level of development then once again we are judging the already born by their ability and development. There are people that have diseases where they can't feel pain. There are plenty of people with major brain abnormalities and retardation. What about my four year old daughter, is she less of a human because she is not fully developed as a woman yet? Here's one more, someone in a coma- they can't feel pain, aren't self aware and aren't thinking-do the families have the right to kill them (and I'm not talking taking someone off of a vent)?
Environment:
The argument exists that if a fetus can not survive outside of the womb then it is not viable-err not a human. Why again are we making these silly rules up? Fetuses are still breathing and using their lungs. They are still interacting with their mothers. What is it about the way an unborn child breathes and where it grows that devalues it's existence? Are astronauts in outer space not human? They can't survive in space outside their specialized gear. Could it be that just like the engineers who invented and designed the gear that allows them to survive in a place other than our normal habitat that there is a Heavenly designer that designed a system and protection for unborn children to grow and live safely in a place other than OUR normal habitat?
Degree of Dependency:
Once again there is an argument that an unborn fetus could not survive outside the mother's womb so it must not be "viable" or worthy of life. Of course the fetus is dependent on the mother and could not survive without her. An infant couldn't either. Or how about this, a friend who works at a hospital told me today about a man that had been doing therapy at the hospital: he is homeless, has no family, no friends, diabetes, one leg is amputated, he has no job, no money, he is an illegal alien.... forget being dependent on one person he is dependent on everyone and yet no one claims him. What happens to him when the hospital can't let him stay there any more. What happens when his diabetes claims another limb and he can't get insulin? Should someone kill him now because of the inevitable?
I know you may not agree with me and your desire to support a woman's rights may trump all, but please consider: first, the life long pain these woman will carry from their choice, second, the innocent lives being snuffed out because they weren't big enough, smart enough, and functional enough for societies taste, and lastly, women like me: women who want these children and believe it is in God's plan for them to adopt. You may think it's ok for them to kill their babies but please- realize that it might be my baby that they're killing.
The Holy Grail of Adoption Grants List
Today we mailed off the last of the adoption grant applications. I believe I applied for eight all together. The grants range from $500-$4,000 or more accurately $0-$4,000. Each grant took me 2-4 hours to apply for. They required: scans from the last two years of tax returns, paycheck stubs, biographies, total financial breakdown and budget, lots of personal questions, pastor's letter of reference, two letters of reference from friends or co-workers, general family info, info about your adoption, proof of your agencies non-profit status, recommendations from our agency. It was way worse than a college application. I have ZERO idea if we will receive even one grant. I feel like we have a ton of stuff against us as far as what they would be looking for. Our situation is weird and comes less than desireable on an application:
-We already have 3 children. I think makes us probably less deserving of a grant.
- I work. Even though I work at night and during the 1-2 hours my kids sleep during the day on a piece of paper it still says I work and I think grant people prefer a stay at home non working mom.
- Our net worth is -$100,00 that's NEGATIVE... our house is so under water because of the market crash that we probably look like the most irresponsible people even though we otherwise have no debt. Who would want to give an interest free loan or grant to that?
- Our pay check stubs we had to send in are from December- one of our most lucrative months between Sam's 3 days of holiday pay and the photography season. However Jan-March are our slowest months and we probably won't even get a business paycheck this month. I wish we could explain that.
- We've spent all of our savings on Sam's nursing education (and medical bills from Liam's birth-$15,000 out of pocket even though we had insurance), he's on his second nursing degree now. We've been responsible but have nothing to show for it.
-We live in Southwest Florida, with an above average cost of living. I'm sure our income could buy a steak dinner once a week in Iowa but down here Chick Fil-A is a budget stretcher. Will the application people take that into consideration? I doubt it.
Sometimes I feel so defeated. I feel like we try to do everything right but we get stuck in the middle. It sometimes feels like we would get further ahead if we just stopped working so hard and took advantage of the system. If I just stopped working would we be taken pity on? Would I seem more virtuous and mommy like? Would we get financial scholarships for Sam's school? Would people invite us over to dinner or offer free babysitting? Sometimes I just want to quit... or at least be heard and seen for who we really are.
Alas, I was so in the depths of despair for a moment that I almost forgot to link to this holy grail of adoption grants list! This list is amazing. I spent hours researching grants and loans and couldn't believe how many more were out there once I saw this list. Thank you so much to Kelley for telling me about this list. I hope it helps someone else. http://www.scribd.com/doc/98055414/AdoptionJourney-org-Financial-Resources-List-2012
-We already have 3 children. I think makes us probably less deserving of a grant.
- I work. Even though I work at night and during the 1-2 hours my kids sleep during the day on a piece of paper it still says I work and I think grant people prefer a stay at home non working mom.
- Our net worth is -$100,00 that's NEGATIVE... our house is so under water because of the market crash that we probably look like the most irresponsible people even though we otherwise have no debt. Who would want to give an interest free loan or grant to that?
- Our pay check stubs we had to send in are from December- one of our most lucrative months between Sam's 3 days of holiday pay and the photography season. However Jan-March are our slowest months and we probably won't even get a business paycheck this month. I wish we could explain that.
- We've spent all of our savings on Sam's nursing education (and medical bills from Liam's birth-$15,000 out of pocket even though we had insurance), he's on his second nursing degree now. We've been responsible but have nothing to show for it.
-We live in Southwest Florida, with an above average cost of living. I'm sure our income could buy a steak dinner once a week in Iowa but down here Chick Fil-A is a budget stretcher. Will the application people take that into consideration? I doubt it.
Sometimes I feel so defeated. I feel like we try to do everything right but we get stuck in the middle. It sometimes feels like we would get further ahead if we just stopped working so hard and took advantage of the system. If I just stopped working would we be taken pity on? Would I seem more virtuous and mommy like? Would we get financial scholarships for Sam's school? Would people invite us over to dinner or offer free babysitting? Sometimes I just want to quit... or at least be heard and seen for who we really are.
Alas, I was so in the depths of despair for a moment that I almost forgot to link to this holy grail of adoption grants list! This list is amazing. I spent hours researching grants and loans and couldn't believe how many more were out there once I saw this list. Thank you so much to Kelley for telling me about this list. I hope it helps someone else. http://www.scribd.com/doc/98055414/AdoptionJourney-org-Financial-Resources-List-2012
Adoption Tax Credit Update
Monday, January 21, 2013
A little update on the adoption tax credit. Although the previous tax credit for adoption expired the new tax credit bill was passed as part of the brand new fiscal package. Yay! Kind of...
The old credit was refundable, meaning that if you spent $25,000 on your adoption you could receive the full tax credit back which was around $13,000. This was amazing considering it would pay for almost half of most adoptions. Unfortunately the new tax credit that was passed is non-refundable which means that although there still is a large maximum credit (around $10,000) allowed you only are credited the amount you are liable for. This means that those making the big bucks will receive a larger amount and perhaps even the maximum amount back at the end of the year while those making small fries; with little or no tax liability, will receive little or no refund.
Boo...Blah...Bluh. I understand the necessity of why they are doing this. Our government is in deep fiscal mire and to pay out monies not owed from the budget would be unwise. It just feels like one of those rich getting richer/poor getting poorer deals. From what I understand the good news seems to be that you can spread your tax liability for the credit out over several years so over time there will be help but for those paying off a personal loan they took out for the adoption the lump sum would have been a real blessing. C'est la Vie. In the end I guess I just wouldn't have ever known about the previous awesome credit that just ended. I hope I don't sound greedy. I honestly hate that money is even an issue, but it is so I think it's worth discussing.
For those of you who wants some straight facts here's a great FAQ on the topic:
The old credit was refundable, meaning that if you spent $25,000 on your adoption you could receive the full tax credit back which was around $13,000. This was amazing considering it would pay for almost half of most adoptions. Unfortunately the new tax credit that was passed is non-refundable which means that although there still is a large maximum credit (around $10,000) allowed you only are credited the amount you are liable for. This means that those making the big bucks will receive a larger amount and perhaps even the maximum amount back at the end of the year while those making small fries; with little or no tax liability, will receive little or no refund.
Boo...Blah...Bluh. I understand the necessity of why they are doing this. Our government is in deep fiscal mire and to pay out monies not owed from the budget would be unwise. It just feels like one of those rich getting richer/poor getting poorer deals. From what I understand the good news seems to be that you can spread your tax liability for the credit out over several years so over time there will be help but for those paying off a personal loan they took out for the adoption the lump sum would have been a real blessing. C'est la Vie. In the end I guess I just wouldn't have ever known about the previous awesome credit that just ended. I hope I don't sound greedy. I honestly hate that money is even an issue, but it is so I think it's worth discussing.
For those of you who wants some straight facts here's a great FAQ on the topic:
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