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I've contemplated only talking about adoption on this blog but presently I'm just waiting... In my waiting I've realized I have no patience. In fact I prayed for patience the other day. Don't ever say that God doesn't answer prayer. In the same day I prayed for patience (keep in mind I'm having to homeschool and work):
- I woke up to an exploding dirty diaper.
- Liam painted our cabinets, his clothes, and our floor with white enamel paint.
- I locked the keys in the car while at the museum. Then while in the process of telling AAA where I was located my phone died. Ten minutes later the museum we were waiting inside closed and we were out in the parking lot for an hour.
The next day:
- Our oven started sparking and caught on fire so bad that we can't keep the stove and oven plugged in without it catching on fire.
- Our vacuum broke in the middle of our Labrador's shedding season and is now in the repair shop for two weeks.
- Our cell phones got shut off (apparently I didn't pay the bill; although I'm certain I did;)
- Liam found gold enamel paint and painted the wall, his clothes, and a bunch of other expensive things that are now ruined (I promise I don't just have paint laying around- this was well hidden and tucked away).
-I found out someone we know died.
On the first day I literally started crying after the exploding diaper (sheets, pillows, stuffed animals...) and paint incident. By the time I locked my keys in the car I was actually smiling. The Bible says
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1: 2-4
Although none of this stuff was earth shattering it was enough to knock me down and remind me that my life isn't about me or my plans. I have so much going on and so much I want to do. I have such a hard time finding balance. How can I live a peaceful and balanced life while still juggling all I've got going on? I think it's a lie that women can have it "all." I've had young women tell me they look up to me and how I can work and still be a mom. I want to shake them and say "No!!!! Not me, look at someone else. I'm a mess." What I'm doing and who I want to be are unfortunately a lot different and I feel like I've created a web I can't get out of. For anyone thinking I can do it all....this is more how it goes:
What I do:
-Photograph weddings
-Run a wedding photography business
-Run a portrait photography business
-Run a photo booth business
-Partner in creating an iPhone app
-Homeschool 2 kids
-Yell at 3 kids
-Write a blog about adoption
-Fill out adoption paperwork
-Try to sell stuff on craigslist to make money for our adoption (So far I've sold a book:/)
-Make very quick meals
-Watch 8 tv shows a week
-Read the Bible and pray
-Cut my own hair after researching it for an hour on Pinterest
-Whine
-Stress out about; money, our businesses, mean clients
-Work on the weekends
-Never see my husband- he's working 2 full time jobs (Nurse and photographer) and taking a full load of classes as he pursues another nursing degree
-Go to church on Sundays and a Bible study during the week
-Try to make a crazy plan of how we are going to save enough money to adopt a child and also put Sam through 5 more years of schooling without him having to work the last 3 years of school (he won't be allowed to)
What I don't do:
-80% of the work for the 3 businesses (We are blessed with the most amazing staff)
-Homeschool well
-Clean
-Laundry
-Cook fancy meals
-Be nice to my husband
-Be a good friend
-Go to play groups and other mommy things
-Have patients with my kids
-Exercise everyday
-Check my blog posts for grammatical errors...can ya tell?
What I want to do:
-Have one or zero jobs.
-Focus on being a good wife and mother.
-Have a clean house.
-Cook wonderful foods.
-Spend time as a family every night and weekend.
-Volunteer as a family more.
-Go on dates with my husband.
-Have a big (clean) house with as many more adopted children as God will give us (as well as our current rug rats of course).
-Not stress out.
-Have a steady paycheck.
-Give like crazy.
-Write thank you notes.
-Invite people to dinner.
-Be a better friend.
-Be peaceful.
-Not have to work every second my kids are asleep. Rest. Be.
-Be joyful.
Back to patience... I'm learning to be patient and joyfully endure the things that don't go my way without freaking out. My reality is that right now I have to work and I have to work a lot and that it can be stressful. I used to work for the hope that it would all someday pay off and I would be enabled to be the sweet-as-pie, care-free stay at home mom I wanted to be.
I'm starting to realize that this cause and effect belief I've been subconsciously adhering to might not be true. I may work soooo hard for so long and it may not pay off like I want it to. I'm starting to give up on the American dream and ask God what his plan for my life is- even if it doesn't involve a big clean house, no stress, and steady paycheck. All that glitters is not gold and all that is gold does not glitter.
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Reading your blog inspires and reminds me that there are so many christians around us. We're all striving everyday to live like christ. We're normal in feeling that enough is never enough, and I felt blessed and reminded God is on my side when when I read your blog today. Thank you for sharing and opening up about life and all that we juggle...my heart feels full, loved, and challenged all at the same time!
ReplyDeleteThanks Corrin. I've been thinking about deleting this post because I know I can be whiny and spoiled and didn't want to be judged too harshly by people that don't know me. Life's hard even when it's easy and we are blessed and among all my love and opportunity and freedom I still manage to screw it all up daily. Thanks for the encouragement. If you ever have a "loser day" as I like to call them, just remember that you're not alone!
ReplyDeleteI've followed your blog long enough to know that the objective of this post was purely to vent and that you aren't at all fishing for compliments -- genuinely -- but I still feel like this needs to be said. Everybody's lives seem more impressive or "clean" on paper. Just because it feels chaotic to YOU living through it does not make it any less remarkable... What you're actually doing is running multiple successful businesses amidst a struggling economy, raising three NOTICEABLY bright children in a loving, safe and inspired environment (as a formerly homeschooled kid myself, I can tell you I barely did any actual schooling until high school and am having no trouble maneuvering through college now alongside my public schooled peers. If they inherit 1/10th of your work ethic, they will be just fine), and somehow you're still willing to trust God enough to invest thousands and thousands of dollars into literally changing the course of another child's life. It's obvious how much you care about your husband and as a couple who works together, has been committed to each other for several years, and has young children, you continue to defy the average relationship odds everyday you miss him. I'm one of those girls that you mentioned who sees you as a role model and I can tell you this post does nothing to discourage that; it actually accomplishes just the opposite. I don't think people look up to you because of a false notion that your life is squeaky clean and perfect. They look up to because they can see with their own eyes that you ARE hardworking, thoughtful, meticulous, intelligent, talented, and transparent about your struggles which makes it all the more endearing. The person you actively strive to be speaks so much more about your character than your daily shortcomings do. I'm glad you're humble and it's normal not to believe all of those things about yourself everyday but in the end, your success speaks for itself regardless of what doubts you personally may have about it. And I will continue to look up to you whether you like it or not. :)
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