Grateful Hearts

God has given us so much.  We are so blessed and so grateful.  Despite the tornado path that is our house, the Amazon rain forest that is our yard and the incredible stress we maneuver every day, we have so much in which to be grateful.

            Ashley and I hold a high value on relationships, experience and learning.  We feel like God teaches us the most when we are walking with other people and sharing our lives with them, when we are doing something new and exciting and when we are humbling ourselves to leaa ICU RN, I’ve had my share of days where I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

            This adoption journey is no different.  It’s just another chance to see God show up and do amazing things.  He already has and He will continue to do them.  Not because He has to for us or even because He wants to; it’s his Nature.  It’s his Personality.  One of the most amazing things in Scripture to me is that when Moses is frustrated and says but when the people ask me, “Who sent you? What is his Name?”  God said you are to tell them YHWH sent you.  We translate it I AM WHO I AM. He tells Moses to tell the people, “I AM sent you…” Phillip Yancey in The Jesus I Never Knew talks about that statement and then how God fulfills it throughout Scripture.  Yancey describes it as a blank check.  I AM YOUR ROCK, I AM YOUR SHELTER, I AM YOUR PROVIDER, I AM YOUR DELIVERER, I AM YOUR SAVIOR, I AM YOUR DAILY BREAD. I AM __________________.  I AM ALL THAT YOU NEED.  He is the meaning of existing on this earth.  I don’t think God provided because He had to or even because He wanted to (although, I’m pretty certain He enjoyed it), I think He provided because it’s in His nature.  The Jewish people had and have many names for God.  One seems especially appropriate today, Jehovah Jireh, the Lord Will Provide.  This term is first used when Abraham is called to sacrifice Isaac and God provides a ram for the sacrifice instead of Isaac.  It took a lot of faith and trust for Abraham to make that trip; I can’t imagine what was going through his head.  Ashley and I long to do something amazing and different; we don’t want our lives to be explainable without God’s work.  We long to change the world or be a part of something bigger than ourselves – leave a legacy.  It doesn’t start by doing amazing things; it starts by doing ordinary things like saying yes to something big when you don’t know how God is going to answer or how it’s going to end up.  Forget being ready or qualified.  Very few people that we would say are heroes of faith had much to offer to the world.  We miss this sometimes but Jesus picked mostly leftovers as his disciples.  If they were the cream of the crop, they would have been chosen to study with another rabbi.  To be honest, four were backwoods fishermen.

             Ashley and I have what we need, but we aren’t “financially stable.”  We have two cars with over 100,000 miles and 1,000 dents, we have appliances from the last millenium and we have at least 14 loads of laundry that need to be washed. We aren’t “ready” or “able”, just willing.  I pray that we continue to be willing and that you who are following our journey would be willing too.

            We are so grateful to you all who gave; our hearts and lives are overwhelmed with joy in this moment.  We pray that God would provide and bless you in thousands of ways in which you could have never imagined. In other words, we hope that your life isn’t explainable without God’s work in it… - Sam

The stuff that can happen in 15 hours

Yesterday I found myself on the floor weeping and praising God.  In such a small amount of time God showed His "realness" to me so vividly.

As I mentioned in my last post an anonymous donor from our church has offered to give $4,000 towards our adoption costs if we can find friends and family that are willing to give a matching $4,000.  I like lists so I'm going to explain what happened in a pseudo-list form:

- Tuesday night I wrote a post about the need for the match.

- By Wednesday around noon friends and strangers had given $2,025

- Around the same time I get a text from my father in law saying the finished their taxes and were going to donate their $500 tax return.

- As I'm texting him back to thank him I see an email come in and open it and it is from a grant that I applied for saying they are sending a check for $1,000.

- As I am getting ready for the day the phone rings and it is another grant organization saying they are pushing our application ahead (it was supposed to take 6 more weeks to process) and need to ask me some questions.  At this point I'm so overwhelmed with how much is happening so quickly that I just blabbed and blabbed on the phone and probably talked my way out of any financial assistance:)  We won't find out on that one for another 3 weeks.

- Some one from craigslist contacted me about buying an old stroller and I made $30.

So...... what this all means financially is that we only need friends and family to give $1,475 more to be able to receive the matching donation  AND.....

That a little over a week ago the amount we still needed for the adoption was $17,415 AND....

NOW (IF people donate the $1,475) we will only NEED $7,535!!!!! 

What I've learned so far

I've learned a lot of things but a few stick out:

1. God loves each of us SO much.  He loves my future son so much that he would call upon all of His resources at the same time to provide the money to redeem his life.  God loves all of us that much and He paid the ultimate price for all of us when he allowed His son to die for our sins.   Jesus IS alive and He is working.

2. I'm understanding better what the Bible means when it says, "The first shall be last and the last shall be first." (Mat 20:16)  I always thought that it kind of meant that Christians and those that lead sacrificial lives got the raw end of the deal here on earth.  What I have seen through the people that have given is that maybe it means that those who the world see's as being "the last" will be the first to step up and give back to God and others. 

I'd like to give you a profile of the type of people that gave and gave the most:
- The pastor and his wife with three young kids.
- The mother of 9.
- 3 of the daughters of the mother of 9.
- The young family with two kids living in an over priced area and struggling financially as the mom chose to homeschool while also pursuing gradschool.
- The 1 income young family with 4 kids- the dad having medical issues.
- The stranger I've never met.
- The woman I've met once.
- The newlyweds who were the first to give months ago before I ever asked and have committed $50 a month.
- The 1 income homeschooling, college attending, family of 4.

These people have already changed me.  They have been Jesus to me, my family, and my precious baby boy I will someday call Son.  These people have exposed my own selfish heart- the heart that always thinks that "Somebody else is in a better position to give." Because of God's genorosity and love through them I want to be better- more open handed- and to change my thoughts to "Maybe no one else will give."  This is not a message to those that have not given but a "Thank You" to those that have, a "Thank You" to God, and a reminder to myself for the future of the type of person I need to be. 

$4,000 donated IF we can match it.

I have very exciting news.... Sunday at church one of the Elders at our church that I had talked to a couple of months ago about our adoption told me two very exciting things:

1. That they church would allow me to produce to videos about adoption to be shown later this year during National Adoption Month.

2. That someone at the church was anonymously donating $4,000 to our adoption fund IF friends and family would help us raise a matching $4,000!

So now comes the part when I want to throw up in my mouth... Would you all prayerfully consider giving towards this matching gift?  There's a Paypal donation button to the right on our page you can give through.

I want you to know that this is pretty much the most humiliating and awkward thing I can imagine doing because I don't want people to feel like this is their responsibility and to give out of guilt.  However, if adoption is something that you believe in and you would like to be part of it by giving to Isaiah's adoption fund I humbly thank you with all my heart for being part of this story.

P.S. I'll keep a running count here on this page and also on the "fundraising" page at the top.

GOAL $4,000

3/4- $100 given from M & S
3/5 - $50 given from Z & A
3/5 -$100 given from R
3/5 $200 given via blog link from the C family
3/5- $15 from L
3/5- $500 from J&K
3/6- $1,000 given from L & L
3/6 $50 given from T & M
3/6 $10 from C
3/6 $500 form J & W
3/8 $25 from R&K
3/9/ $25 from M&R
3/9 $50 from PF
3/12 $10 from SH
3/12 $20 from the H family
3/12 $200 from the P family
3/13 $500 from K & J
3/14 $50 from M&R
3/14 $50 from JB
3/14 $50 from K

As of 3/14 we need: $495 to receive the match

Super Duper Cool Adoption Resource

This is too neat... Someone awesome told me about this site/ministry called Loving Shepherd Ministries that has an online assessment you fill out and then about a week later they will send suggest what types of adoption might be best for your situation and then give you a list of the agencies that would also be best for you.  Too cool!

This is great because I've had a lot of conversations with people that tell me they would like to adopt but they can't because: their too young, too old, not married, haven't been married long enough, their kids are too young, they have a strange situation... I have a feeling that by using this assessment a lot of those doubts will be assuaged.

I'm kind of bummed out that I'm just now finding out about this because doing the random research on your own is not fun but I am going to continue to trust that we are with the right agency- at least for now.

If you are considering adoption and don't know where to start go here:  http://loving-shepherd.org/sponsor-adoptive-family/adoption-assessment-forms.html

We broke the $10k mark!

I was able to just put another $100 out our own paycheck into our adoption savings and when I was updating the numbers I saw that we have officially been able to save $10,000 for our adoption.  I am honestly blown away.  To have started at zero in September and felt that $26,000 was such a big number that it made us actually question if we should follow through with God had called us to seems silly now.  I know he will provide the rest.  I don't know how but he will.

I would love to be able to sell a ton of stuff we have and will continue to try.  So far that has been slow and I have only sold very small items but as I mentioned in my last post I think God is really showing me a lot of himself through those little sales.

The money I didn't earn

I have been so blown away how God has worked so far to provide money for the adoption and to encourage me that he is a God that is alive and working.  There is a story in the Bible in which a rich young ruler comes to Jesus and asks what he must do to inherit eternal life.  Jesus tells him that he must sell all he has and give to the poor and then he will have treasure in Heaven and to come follow him.

God is showing me more and more why He said that to the rich man.  I don't think God was trying to just test him or wanting him to become part of some type of socialist utopia where everything is equal.  I believe now that God wanted to bless him and he knew that in order to show his sufficiency and blessings that the man needed to fully depend on God.

I have begun to try to sell anything and everything I have.  Spare 2-3 pieces of sentimental jewelry that my family has given me and our work equipment, I am willing to sell it all.  This is probably because we don't really own anything of value.  I've been trying to sell old equipment, electronics, film cameras, clothes, bread makers, books.... I've tried Amazon, Craigslist, Poshmark, Online Yardsales.... and I've only sold three things.  Each of the things had the least possible value to me and cost the least and yet God has blessed me through them.  The three things:


1. A dress- I sold one dress.  The dress was a dress my mom gave me because it didn't fit her right and although I liked it I paid nothing for it.  A friend from middle school saw it online and instead of paying the $20 I asked for it she sent me $50.

2. A bathroom cabinet.  We had to buy a replacement part for our bathroom sink off of Craigslist last year and the guy we bought it from gave us a random bathroom cabinet for free.  It's been sitting around the house since.  I sold it on Craigslist for $15.  When I went to meet the stranger that wanted it she said her husband was inside {Wendy's} getting change.  While we waited I thanked her and told her we were using the money for our adoption.  When she brought back the money from her husband she gave us an extra $10 and told me that every time she used opened the cabinet she would pray for me.  I asked her to pray for Isaiah.  Forget the money- a complete stranger just committed to praying for my baby boy every time she reached for this cabinet!

3.  I sold a photography book about family portrait posing that was sitting in our closet.  I sold it for $20.  When I went to ship it I used one of the automated postage machines at the post office.  The post office was closing and I had all three kids with me and I remember being hurried.  Two weeks later when I was selling the dress I sold and going through the same process I had the sinking feeling that I had forgotten to write the address on the envelope for the book I had sent!  What an idiot I am!  Seriously, I sent a package with no address or return address. 

Mortified, I emailed the lady who bought and apologized profusely.  Not only was she amazingly kind and understanding but she told me to not refund her and keep the money... for the book she would never receive! I told her I only sold the book in the first place to raise money for the adoption.  She wrote back telling me she had family members that had adopted and that she would be praying for us.

So, after just these small encounters I get it a little more.  God wants us to be willing to sell everything we have to give to the poor not because He needs our money but so he can show us just how amazing He is.  Monetarily, God took the $35 I earned and turned it into $95.  More importantly I know that I am not alone, he brought strangers into my life that encouraged me and committed to praying for us.  God has shown me that He will provide financially but I am even more thankful for the blessing of seeing His character and love at work in others.  I am going to continue to pray that God would help me sell our things AND that I would remember to write the addresses on the packages from now on!

Juggling it all

I've contemplated only talking about adoption on this blog but presently I'm just waiting... In my waiting I've realized I have no patience.  In fact I prayed for patience the other day.  Don't ever say that God doesn't answer prayer.  In the same day I prayed for patience (keep in mind I'm having to homeschool and work):

- I woke up to an exploding dirty diaper.
- Liam painted our cabinets, his clothes, and our floor with white enamel paint.
- I locked the keys in the car while at the museum. Then while in the process of telling AAA where I was located my phone died.  Ten minutes later the museum we were waiting inside closed and we were out in the parking lot for an hour.

The next day:
- Our oven started sparking and caught on fire so bad that we can't keep the stove and oven plugged in without it catching on fire.
- Our vacuum broke in the middle of our Labrador's shedding season and is now in the repair shop for two weeks.
- Our cell phones got shut off (apparently I didn't pay the bill; although I'm certain I did;)
- Liam found gold enamel paint and painted the wall, his clothes, and a bunch of other expensive things that are now ruined (I promise I don't just have paint laying around- this was well hidden and tucked away).
-I found out someone we know died.

On the first day I literally started crying after the exploding diaper (sheets, pillows, stuffed animals...) and paint incident.  By the time I locked my keys in the car I was actually smiling.  The Bible says 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1: 2-4

Although none of this stuff was earth shattering it was enough to knock me down and remind me that my life isn't about me or my plans.  I have so much going on and so much I want to do.  I have such a hard time finding balance.  How can I live a peaceful and balanced life while still juggling all I've got going on?  I think it's a lie that women can have it "all."  I've had young women tell me they look up to me and how I can work and still be a mom.  I want to shake them and say "No!!!!  Not me, look at someone else.  I'm a mess."  What I'm doing and who I want to be are unfortunately a lot different and I feel like I've created a web I can't get out of.  For anyone thinking I can do it all....this is more how it goes:

What I do:
-Photograph weddings
-Run a wedding photography business
-Run a portrait photography business
-Run a photo booth business
-Partner in creating an iPhone app
-Homeschool 2 kids
-Yell at 3 kids
-Write a blog about adoption
-Fill out adoption paperwork
-Try to sell stuff on craigslist to make money for our adoption (So far I've sold a book:/)
-Make very quick meals
-Watch 8 tv shows a week  
-Read the Bible and pray
-Cut my own hair after researching it for an hour on Pinterest
-Whine
-Stress out about; money, our businesses, mean clients
-Work on the weekends
-Never see my husband- he's working 2 full time jobs (Nurse and photographer) and taking a full load of classes as he pursues another nursing degree
-Go to church on Sundays and a Bible study during the week
-Try to make a crazy plan of how we are going to save enough money to adopt a child and also put Sam through 5 more years of schooling without him having to work the last 3 years of school (he won't be allowed to)

What I don't do:
-80% of the work for the 3 businesses (We are blessed with the most amazing staff)
-Homeschool well
-Clean
-Laundry
-Cook fancy meals
-Be nice to my husband
-Be a good friend  
-Go to play groups and other mommy things
-Have patients with my kids
-Exercise everyday
-Check my blog posts for grammatical errors...can ya tell?

What I want to do:
-Have one or zero jobs.
-Focus on being a good wife and mother.
-Have a clean house.
-Cook wonderful foods.
-Spend time as a family every night and weekend.
-Volunteer as a family more.
-Go on dates with my husband.
-Have a big (clean) house with as many more adopted children as God will give us (as well as our current rug rats of course).
-Not stress out.
-Have a steady paycheck.
-Give like crazy.
-Write thank you notes.
-Invite people to dinner.
-Be a better friend.
-Be peaceful.
-Not have to work every second my kids are asleep.  Rest. Be.
-Be joyful.

Back to patience... I'm learning to be patient and joyfully endure the things that don't go my way without freaking out.  My reality is that right now I have to work and I have to work a lot and that it can be stressful.  I used to work for the hope that it would all someday pay off and I would be enabled to be the sweet-as-pie, care-free stay at home mom I wanted to be.  

I'm starting to realize that this cause and effect belief I've been subconsciously adhering to might not be true.  I may work soooo hard for so long and it may not pay off like I want it to.  I'm starting to give up on the American dream and ask God what his plan for my life is- even if it doesn't involve a big clean house, no stress, and steady paycheck.  All that glitters is not gold and all that is gold does not glitter.