Why am I scared to write this?

I've read some adoption blogs.  I've seen the judgmental comments.  It's making me scared to be real.  Scared to be judged.  All I can say is; I don't know it all, I don't have it all figured out, and I hope I grow from who I am now into a wiser version of me.  Our story is not going to be the same as anyone elses journey and I don't expect to be understood by everyone.  Ok, here it is:

My husband, Sam and I decided to start trying to have a fourth child about a year ago.  Our last three pregnancies had come about very quickly.  After 3-4 months of trying this time I started to casually think about adoption.  Not in a committed sense but none the less differently than I had before.  I yearned for another child and after a few short months of trying to get pregnant I had already started to get discouraged by the negative pregnancy test and emotional up and downs.  After a few more months of trying we finally got a positive test.  I told my family and bought a few new stretchy shirts but held off on making a doctor's appointment.  With my first pregnancy the doctor didn't see me until I was 11 weeks along so I thought I'd be fine waiting.  I don't know why I waited, maybe I had a sense that I wouldn't need the appointment.  After just a couple of weeks I miscarried.

It hurt, not physically, but it hurt my heart.  I felt like I wasn't allowed to be too sad or to get depressed.  It wasn't fair.  I already had three children.  What would someone that couldn't have any think or say about my situation?  I had miscarried between 6-7 weeks.  That's nothing compared to someone who loses a child later in pregnancy or in a tragic way.  I was and am blessed and I tried to be thankful and move on, but it still hurts if I allow myself to think about it.

After that we tried a few more months to get pregnant (by this point it had been a total of 7 months) and then, in July, we decided to take a break.  In July Sam started a new job and I had a ton on my plate with a business venture and a full fall calendar photographing weddings.  We felt there was no way at this point that I could get pregnant and survive the extreme morning sickness I was bound to get (it had gotten worse with each pregnancy) while working as much as I needed to those next few months.  We decided to wait about 6 months and then start trying again.  This was in July.

In mid-September, one night when I was getting into bed I had an image pop into my mind of a little African American boy.  He was wearing a maroon shirt with some white and navy stripes on the sleeves.  The backdrop was a mottled blue, it looked like a school picture type thing.  I remember because I see the same image in my head today.  The first time this happened it surprised me.  I thought, "Huh, that's strange..."  I didn't know any little boys this age that looked like this, I hadn't just watched a tv show or movie with a character that looked like him... It was strange, not because he was African American and I was not- it would have been just as strange if I had the same vision of a random little girl with brown hair and blue eyes.

Over the next week I kept having this image pop into my head.  So much that I started to pray about it.  "God, who is this little boy and why do I keep thinking about him?"  I had the ladies in my small group pray.  I started to get the sense it had to do about adoption, maybe for someone I knew, maybe just for me to support adoption in general, or maybe it was about us.  After a couple of weeks of constantly thinking about this vision I kept having and praying I became convinced that this child was our son.  I felt and still feel that this child was conceived in my heart.  It was a similar feeling as thinking you might be pregnant and then confirming that you are.  God had started to soften my heart and then through this image of this little boy completely changed my heart to the point that I know have a yearning to find my son.  I feel like he is missing from me in the same way as I would desperately miss one of my children if they were away from me.

Having said this, I do not feel desperate to take or "get" a child.  I do not feel like I deserve another child or would be a better mother than whoever is carrying him in her belly.  God has given me a peace and assurance that He will complete what he has started.  I feel called to a specific child, like there is a missing piece of our family but I also want the child that God wants us to have and to not force or control anything.  I want what is best for the birth mothers.  If they are able and wanting to raise their child I want them to because I don't want them to ever experience painful regret or feel like they made a bad decision.  I don't want these mothers to make a decision because of temporary financial circumstances or unfulfilled dreams, I don't want to take someone's child; I want to fulfill God's call to take care of orphans and respond to the personal journey he is calling us to.


***I wanted to clarify that although I mentioned us having a miscarriage and it taking longer than we expected to get pregnant again in no way is our decision to adopt linked to us not thinking we could get pregnant again or out of fear of another miscarriage.  God simply removed my desire to even  be pregnant again when he put the desire to adopt in my heart.